Thursday, May 08, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
I'm Frightened for Rachael Ray

At first I thought this might be a recurring dream she has: her bedroom is invaded by a man with enormous fingers, and he is stuffing pickles.
Then I realized it was two pictures.
Then I decided to ignore that and go back to my first impression, since we all know those are the ones that count.
Monday, May 05, 2008
The "Oh, Miley!" Factor
I haven't written about this Vanity Fair/Miley Cyrus/"sexy photos" kerfuffle for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, because I don't care.
But now, because the story has persisted, it's crossed over into one of my pre-existing pet peeves, so I'll just add my voice to the "controversy."
I've previously written about the Paris Hilton Carl's Jr. commercial. I was amazed that rational humans were fretting over children being exposed to these "sexual" images. I was under the impression -- and I still am -- that children don't find things like that "sexy." Most children I know would see Paris Hilton in a bathing suit, splashing around with a hose and eating a big burger while lying on a car, and think it's funny and silly and goofy.
Unless, of course, an adult in the room freaks out and teaches them what shame is.
Still, I persist in thinking that a healthy child would not find Paris Hilton sexy. (I also think a healthy adult wouldn't find her sexy, but that's for another day.)
Anyhoo, healthy children do not find adults "sexy."
Conversely, healthy adults do not find children "sexy."
I didn't want to look at the pictures. I assumed they were child porn, which doesn't interest me.
But the media, thinking these pictures were so lurid they should not be seen, naturally put them on screen every three minutes all day for a week. That's the only reason I saw them. I felt like Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange being forced to look at something unpleasant and denied the right to look away.
When I did see these notorious pictures I was shocked. Shocked.
Shocked that anyone would call these pictures "sexy."
Miley Cyrus is, to my mind, a normal-looking 15-year-old... as opposed to a "Your Honor, look at her! How was I supposed to know?!" kind of 15-year-old. As such, the sight of her bare back doesn't make me go to a sexual place.
What's even more hilarious is there's all this outrage over this picture, while no one seemed to mind her writhing and moaning and fuck-miming on Idol Gives Back.
A performance which I found funny and silly and goofy.
If you really want to eliminate gratuitous sluttiness from the media, start with all those anchorskanks on Fox News.
Alanis Morissette, Jessica Biel, AND Scarlett Johansson??
¡Caramba!

"Sorry. Lo siento mucho. You are muerta. Kaput."
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Friday, May 02, 2008
The Real Thing
BurmaItCantWait.org
A very easy way to help? Register for fanista.com, join the Rewards program and tell them Burma sent you, and the cause will get 10% of your future purchases.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
When Good Ads Go Bad
There are some great Cadillac commercials. You know the ones I mean: the ones with Kate Walsh. They are the sexiest, most arresting ads on the air. They get the message across, and I never FF through them.
How is it possible to take the muy caliente Sofia Vergara and make an ad as irritating as this one? First of all, it's a straw man: I don't believe that statistic one bit. Second of all, it undercuts Sofia's argument -- that women have more substantial concerns than cupholders -- when she extols the plaid leather trim. I think cupholders are a much bigger consideration than plaid leather trim, but what do I know?
Still, I was willing to give Cadillac the benefit of the doubt. After all, any company that shares my love of Kate Walsh and Sofia Vergara gets the okus dokus from me.
Ask a Stupid Question...
Over and over this week, I've seen polls cited, showing that 40%, 50%, 60%, 20%, 10% -- pick a number -- agree with a statement like the following:
Food for Thought. Crazy, Crazy Thought.
The weird shark attacks this week got me to thinking... and that's never a good thing.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Requiem for a Presidential Dream
Watching Bush's press conference this morning, I am filled with a terrible sadness. Bush is scary petulant when it comes to drilling in ANWR.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Little Big Brother

What a disappointing, lame, pathetic season of Big Brother. A trainwreck. A collection of half-wit losers that made Flavor of Love look like Jeopardy.




Chelsia, I know you know to put on makeup in the morning, but you do know you're allowed to occasionally take it off at night, right? I mean, if we cut your head in half, could we tell your age by counting the layers of makeup? And can we cut your head in half? Please? Also, thanks for wearing that outfit you wore on the finale. I always wondered if there was a dress that simultaneously said "wrestler thighs" and "ten dollar bus depot blow job." 
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Hospital Reports Tony Snow in "Satisfactory" Condition
Hey, speak for yourself. If he's alive, then his condition is far from "satisfactory."
Monday, April 21, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Dick Cheney, Dressed as Lionel Twain, Welcomed the White House Correspondents to Dinner... and a Murder!
Shales: In Debate, Gibson and Stephanopoulos "turned in shoddy, despicable performances."
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The Makeup Continuum
In the interest of science, I've devised a scale of makeup intensity, from least makeup worn to most makeup worn. Where on this scale do you fall?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Breast Milk. Mommy's Breast Milk. What Kind of Kids Suck Mommy's Breast Milk?
Should've Asked Me tipster Sydelle Pearl rightly alerts us to the best line in this troubling and hilarious video, which occurs 1:54 in.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
A Week Later, I'm Still Laughing at These Three SNL Sketches
The Daily Show Salutes Fox News
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I Did a Lot of Driving Today
In six hours of driving around L.A., I didn't see one gas station that didn't have at least one grade of gas well over $4 a gallon.
And I remembered this classic moment in duncery:






























