It's Been Too Long Since We've Had a Visit from Balmshell Jessica Simpson

(These arguments for good hygiene are from Esquire)

I'm Frightened for Rachael Ray

At first I thought this might be a recurring dream she has: her bedroom is invaded by a man with enormous fingers, and he is stuffing pickles.

Then I realized it was two pictures.

Then I decided to ignore that and go back to my first impression, since we all know those are the ones that count.

Tom Hanks Endorses Barack Obama

The "Oh, Miley!" Factor

I haven't written about this Vanity Fair/Miley Cyrus/"sexy photos" kerfuffle for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, because I don't care.

But now, because the story has persisted, it's crossed over into one of my pre-existing pet peeves, so I'll just add my voice to the "controversy."

I've previously written about the Paris Hilton Carl's Jr. commercial. I was amazed that rational humans were fretting over children being exposed to these "sexual" images. I was under the impression -- and I still am -- that children don't find things like that "sexy." Most children I know would see Paris Hilton in a bathing suit, splashing around with a hose and eating a big burger while lying on a car, and think it's funny and silly and goofy.

Unless, of course, an adult in the room freaks out and teaches them what shame is.

Still, I persist in thinking that a healthy child would not find Paris Hilton sexy. (I also think a healthy adult wouldn't find her sexy, but that's for another day.)

Anyhoo, healthy children do not find adults "sexy."

Conversely, healthy adults do not find children "sexy."

I didn't want to look at the pictures. I assumed they were child porn, which doesn't interest me.

But the media, thinking these pictures were so lurid they should not be seen, naturally put them on screen every three minutes all day for a week. That's the only reason I saw them. I felt like Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange being forced to look at something unpleasant and denied the right to look away.

When I did see these notorious pictures I was shocked. Shocked.

Shocked that anyone would call these pictures "sexy."

Miley Cyrus is, to my mind, a normal-looking 15-year-old... as opposed to a "Your Honor, look at her! How was I supposed to know?!" kind of 15-year-old. As such, the sight of her bare back doesn't make me go to a sexual place.

What's even more hilarious is there's all this outrage over this picture, while no one seemed to mind her writhing and moaning and fuck-miming on Idol Gives Back.

A performance which I found funny and silly and goofy.

If you really want to eliminate gratuitous sluttiness from the media, start with all those anchorskanks on Fox News.

Alanis Morissette, Jessica Biel, AND Scarlett Johansson??

You, Ryan Reynolds, are my hero.

¡Caramba!

"Sorry.  Lo siento mucho.  You are muerta.  Kaput."

 -- multi-multi-lingual jamón Maria Conchita Alonso, evicting a contestant on my new obsession, Viva Hollywood on VH-1.   The grand prize is a role on a Telemundo telenovela and, in the words of another contestant, "one thousand hundred dollars."

From The Simpsons, My Favorite Joke of the Night

The Real Thing

Just a little Keeley Hazell, to clear BB9's Chelsia and Survivor's Natalie out of my brain.

Celebsphoto.blogspot.com
KeeleyHazell.com

BurmaItCantWait.org

A very easy way to help? Register for fanista.com, join the Rewards program and tell them Burma sent you, and the cause will get 10% of your future purchases.

When Good Ads Go Bad

There are some great Cadillac commercials.  You know the ones I mean: the ones with Kate Walsh.  They are the sexiest, most arresting ads on the air.  They get the message across, and I never FF through them.

These ads are incredible.  Used to be, when I thought Cadillac, I thought either NBA or Del Boca Vista.  After these ads, all my dreams involved Cadillacs, Kate Walsh, and variations on the phrase "rack and pinion". 

But then Cadillac went all weird on me. Look at this ad:

How is it possible to take the muy caliente Sofia Vergara and make an ad as irritating as this one? First of all, it's a straw man: I don't believe that statistic one bit. Second of all, it undercuts Sofia's argument -- that women have more substantial concerns than cupholders -- when she extols the plaid leather trim. I think cupholders are a much bigger consideration than plaid leather trim, but what do I know?

Speaking of trim, if you are going to film Sofia Vergara and put her on my TV at every break, you had damn well better get that goddamn steering wheel out of the way.  I have a tremendous interest in, er, "cupholders" and in this commercial I cannot see them.  

Still, I was willing to give Cadillac the benefit of the doubt.  After all, any company that shares my love of Kate Walsh and Sofia Vergara gets the okus dokus from me.

But then they went and commenced me to head-scratchin':

I apologize to this actor, but I have no idea who he is.  I only know that I find his eyebrows disturbing, and his lust for hot windshield wiper fluid downright scary.  I also know that the last thing I want to imagine is him going to the bathroom in a car.  I mean, really?  Seriously?  This is the "takeaway" Cadillac intended?  That the car is nice enough to shit in??

There's even a sequel to this commercial, wherein Johnny Eyebrows quotes Martin Mull -- without crediting Martin Mull -- by saying life is like high school with money.   (From looking at him, I'm thinking life is like high school with a Dirty Sanchez on your forehead.)  With one smear cocked, he wonders "what the cool kids are talking about."  I can guarantee you, what makes the cool kids cool is that they don't talk about shitting in their cars.

Cadillac, I demand more Kate and Sofia, and less of this Man of Magnesia.  

Ask a Stupid Question...

Over and over this week, I've seen polls cited, showing that 40%, 50%, 60%, 20%, 10% -- pick a number -- agree with a statement like the following:

"The Reverend Wright controversy has damaged Barack Obama's campaign."

Okay.

I agree with that statement.  I believe Rev. Screwy Von Nutjob has damaged Obama's campaign.  However, it has not in any way changed my mind about Obama or about voting for him.  

Think about it: even the most die-hard Obamaniac agrees it's damaged his campaign.  But still plans to vote for him.  Because the poll is essentially asking, "Do you think other people are stupider than you?"  

Answer?  Yes.

And if you hate Obama?  Then you're being asked, "Do you think other people are coming around to your way of thinking?"  Who could say no to that?  (Unless of course they're the kind of idiots who hate Obama, a perfectly competent and reasonable man.)

It's a meaningless question, designed to do nothing but inflate nothing into "something" so people can talk about it.

I wish some other country would either destabilize our "democracy" or stabilize it.  Because it ain't working as is.

Food for Thought. Crazy, Crazy Thought.

The weird shark attacks this week got me to thinking... and that's never a good thing.

Anyway, I had a cat that started acting nuts one morning and made a friend go see what was wrong... seconds before an earthquake hit and a huge TV fell right where she was sitting.  She surely would have been terribly injured had she moved just one second later.

Well...  the last time sharks started going mental, 9/11 happened.

I'm just saying...

Requiem for a Presidential Dream

Watching Bush's press conference this morning, I am filled with a terrible sadness.  Bush is scary petulant when it comes to drilling in ANWR.

The simplest way to say it... the way I think we can all understand... is that we as a nation have a terrible addiction to oil.  And Alaska is our poor mother's last valuable possession, her wedding ring.  And Bush is telling us, "Shhh, she's asleep.  Let's go up there, steal that ring and sell it."

Instead why don't we just kick the habit?  Isn't that obvious?  Why don't they see that?

Little Big Brother

What a disappointing, lame, pathetic season of Big Brother. A trainwreck. A collection of half-wit losers that made Flavor of Love look like Jeopardy.

I'm fairly certain that on House Calls and The Early Show the contestants won't be asked the questions I want to have answered, so here they are, just for kicks:

Adam, without using your fingers, can you tell me what five plus two is? The truth now, do you have "R" and "L" painted on your shoes? And do you consider yourself more of a "moron" or an "imbecile"?

Ryan, do you seriously think growing a beard in the middle of your cheeks fools any of us into thinking you don't have a round face? Maybe you could move your eyebrows to the top of your head, so we don't think you're losing your hair. And Jen, the girlfriend who called you a racist behind your back on national TV? You're seriously not dumping her? Can you take the fifty thousand and buy some balls, please?

Sheila, do you think it would have helped you win the game if you had won, oh I don't know, even one competition? (And no, it doesn't count as winning if two people have to forfeit to give it to you.) Don't you think it's a bad strategy for a player to go into every competition telling other players they've "got to win this for me"? That they have to "have your back"? Why didn't you simply step up and have your own front? Your sad, shopworn front?

Sharon, have a lot of your boyfriends asked you for oral sex? Or asked to put a gag in your mouth? Or asked you to take a pill to "relax" you? You realize it's not because you're hot, it's because they want to shut you up, right? I mean, you can't possibly think any man ever wants to hear that shrill, lisping, braying voice of yours, right?

Also, congrats on your look at the finale. I didn't know there was such a thing as "spray-on tranny."

Chelsia, I know you know to put on makeup in the morning, but you do know you're allowed to occasionally take it off at night, right? I mean, if we cut your head in half, could we tell your age by counting the layers of makeup? And can we cut your head in half? Please? Also, thanks for wearing that outfit you wore on the finale. I always wondered if there was a dress that simultaneously said "wrestler thighs" and "ten dollar bus depot blow job."

And one more question, Chelsia: do you prefer "cooze" or "mega-cooze"?

Josh, same question.

James, when you kiss Chelsia, is it because her smeary makeup and tree-trunk legs make it easy to pretend she's a man in drag? I guess what I'm asking, James, is if your family knows you're gay, and also if you know you're gay. Because you really are gay. Seriously.

Also, James, what will you spend your $25K on? An amphibious bicycle for your around-the-world bike trip? Or a buttload of gay porn?

And for the Big Brother producers: Now that the season is over, how much Lysol will it take to rid the house of the stench of body odor, desperation and Adam? And do you realize that if you had left the grand prize vote up to the viewers, Evel Dick would have won in a write-in landslide? Will you please promise us this summer's season will be good enough to make us forget this awful season? And failing that, will you at least release the superb Season 6 on DVD, so we'll have something good to watch?

And Julie Chen, if you get a chance, will you please cut Chelsia's head in half? And tell James he's gay?

Thanks.

2008 Webware 100 Best Web Apps

No... Oh No... Oh Please No...

Hospital Reports Tony Snow in "Satisfactory" Condition

Hey, speak for yourself. If he's alive, then his condition is far from "satisfactory."

"BARACKY"

Dick Cheney, Dressed as Lionel Twain, Welcomed the White House Correspondents to Dinner... and a Murder!

Shales: In Debate, Gibson and Stephanopoulos "turned in shoddy, despicable performances."

Read Tom Shales' on-the-money review of last night's ludicrous Clinton/Obama debate here.

The Makeup Continuum

In the interest of science, I've devised a scale of makeup intensity, from least makeup worn to most makeup worn.  Where on this scale do you fall?

Infant

Gym Teacher

Indigo Girl

Housewife 

Secretary - Day

Secretary - Evening

Model

Supermodel

Suicide Girl

Little Pageant Girl

Cindy McCain

Whore

Amy Winehouse

New York Secretary

Mime

Katie Couric

Corpse

Clown

Corpse Clown

Lucy

Corpse Lucy

Jillian Barberie

The Joker

Blue Man

Chelsia from Big Brother 9

Breast Milk. Mommy's Breast Milk. What Kind of Kids Suck Mommy's Breast Milk?

Should've Asked Me tipster Sydelle Pearl rightly alerts us to the best line in this troubling and hilarious video, which occurs 1:54 in.

Amazon, Do NOT Play With My Mind This Early in the Morning

Seriously, If America Doesn't Elect Barack Obama There's Something Really Wrong with America

A Week Later, I'm Still Laughing at These Three SNL Sketches

The Daily Show Salutes Fox News

Found Porn Salt & Pepper Shakers: Seasons of Love

I Did a Lot of Driving Today

In six hours of driving around L.A., I didn't see one gas station that didn't have at least one grade of gas well over $4 a gallon.

And I remembered this classic moment in duncery:

Slate's Hillary Clinton Deathwatch

Isn't the Housing Crisis Scary Enough Without a Hideous Rictus?