Embattled White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced to a shocked press corps that the indictment and resignation of Irving Louis "Scooter" Libby, Chief of Staff to the Vice President, "has unfortunately left the Administration and the President in a situation where we are one Asshole short."
McClellan noted ruefully that Libby's troubles "couldn't have come at a worse time. With Harriet Miers, we lost The Brown-Nose, and now our Asshole is gone."
McClellan went on to reassure reporters and the nation that "Vice President Cheney will, for the time being, continue as The Scumbag while filling in as Asshole as best he can. And of course it's a huge relief that The Douchebag wasn't indicted, despite all the press speculation."
McClellan noted that Libby's indictment was a personal blow to Cheney. "Sure he regrets losing Scooter under these circumstances, instead of taking the fall for Halliburton stuff as was originally planned. But we're confident we'll find someone new soon. Maybe, and I know this may be pie-in-the-sky stuff, someone who can be both Asshole and Prick. The American people deserve the best."
Asked if the President had sanctioned his remarks, McClellan said, "I can only say that The Idiot is looking forward to putting all of this behind him and spending a relaxing holiday season with The Twat and The Drunken Sluts."
Later that afternoon, a visibly shaking McClellan returned to the press room and denied having made the remarks at all, saying only that "we need to refrain from commenting until the investigation is concluded and all the facts are in." Asked what "investigation" he was referring to, McClellan appeared uneasy, then said, "The, um, investigation. You guys know. The investigation?"
Pressed further, McClellan amplified his remarks, saying the investigation in question was "y'know... the one about the retarded guy chained up in the basement."
When asked if this was a reference to a storyline on the popular ABC television show Desperate Housewives, McClellan feigned a seizure. He was carried out by paramedics, and remains in guarded condition.
The White House and ABC could not be reached for comment.