Tuesday, November 29, 2005

REALLY Bad Customer Service: The Sequel

You'll love this:

So back on the 19th, I posted the following:

Then I went to CompUSA. I had ordered a cell battery at CompUSA.com and they sent me the wrong one, so I headed over there to swap it. The disaffected girl at the counter told me with a shrug, "If you order online you can't exchange it at the store, you hafta email them or whatever." No, "I'm sorry" or anything like that. Then she sneezed on me.

That same day, the 19th, I emailed CompUSA to ask them what to do (or whatever). Eight days later, the 27th, I emailed them to ask why I'd heard nothing and got the following reply:

RMA was issed on 11/21/2005 9:02:50 AM to this email address

Thank you.
CompUSA Customer Service

And no, your eyes don't deceive you. That is "issed"... as in a cross between the way the RMA was "issued" and the way I was "dissed" by this "fuck you" of a reply.

So I, more than a little irked, wrote back:

Um, so.... Can we assume I didn't get it? What, do you think I got the RMA and then decided to wait a few days and send another request for it because I'm a liar and this is so much fun?

Can you resend it?

Or if that's too much trouble can you point me to an URL where I can access it online?

Can you give me some guidance as to where or how to return the item you mistakenly shipped me?

What the hell is going on?

As you can see, I had decided to throw society's shackles of politesse aside, in hopes of freeing up our discourse sufficiently to get a friggin' RMA out of this yokel. Or maybe, I thought, I'd be pegged as a "problem customer" and I'd be kicked upstairs... to a person who'd see this exchange for what it was: a failure on CompUSA's part. He'd run down the hall, printout in hand, seeking to remedy this customer service shortfall ASAP, I imagined.

Was it to be?

Today I got this email:

We have requested that your return information again. Please check you
email and bulk folders.

Thank you.
CompUSA Customer Service

Okay, let's parse this. The first part has an elegant Tonto-Tarzan-Frankenstein simplicity to it. "We have requested that your return information again." Requested that... what? That it be sent to me? Not sent to me? Thrown away? Fed to crocodiles? Wadded up and shoved up my ass?

And then we get to the second sentence, which puts me in mind of the Italian chef from The Simpsons. "Ah, Lisa and Bart! Please check you email and bulk folders! Then look in you bowl! I make-a for you a nice-a RMA with marinara!"

Now it should be pointed out that I am checking me email folders. I am checking me email folders right now. That's how I am reading me fucking email. As for me bulk folder, me don't have bulk folder, and if me did have bulk folder, me would have checked last time, wouldn't me? Me not idiot. Me think of that last time... Many moons ago. When order new.

So I am left to wonder? Why is this person not simply sending me the RMA number him or herself? Is this a battle of wits? Am I destined to lose? As in any War Game, is the only way to win not to play? Should I simply give in, call them, sit on hold for fifteen minutes, and not get off the phone until they tell me the RMA number?

Or... Should I write an even nastier, snider, more childish email, wait for another dense reply, then report back to you? And are you just telling me to do that for your own amusement? Sayyyy, what's your game???

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