Tuesday, November 22, 2005

What I'm Thankful For

As Thanksgiving nears, I thought I'd take a moment, and list just a few of the things I'm thankful for this holiday season:

That those who despise our American way of life and would love nothing more than to see it destroyed are content to stay home in Paris and do nothing.

That airliners aren't fueled by the Power of Positive Thinking.

That the dinosaurs are extinct, because these days we barely have room for Hummers.

That it's customary to fuck women in the vagina, and not men in the ear

That the authors who wrote all that boring shit they made me read in high school are dead.

That the teachers who made me read all that boring shit in high school are dead.

That there is a side of the world where hippos can bite you in half, lions chase you up trees, and you have to hit yourself with a bunch of branches all day to chase the flies away... and I live on the other side.

That they limit eligibility for the Miss Universe pageant to Earthlings.

That our skeletons are on the inside.

That love at first sight doesn't happen all the time.

That I will never, ever risk being stuck on a ship with any of those losers in the Royal Caribbean commercials.

That so far the Housewives are not so desperate that they wire themselves with dynamite and commandeer a city bus. So far.

That phone sex does not literally mean what it sounds like.

That while it is a small world after all, it's still large enough so that my house is sufficiently far from Disneyland so I can't hear that "It's a Small World" song over and over all day and night.

That although there is a Lou Gehrig's Disease and an Alzheimer's Disease, fortunately there is not a Markowitz Ass-plosion Syndrome.

That the dead stay dead, and do not walk around slowly eating our brains like in movies. That would suck.

That I don't live in one of those cities where effigy-burning spontaneously breaks out.

That the spam I get in my computer is not literally Spam.

That while bear-baiting became a common practice, bear-masturbating never did.

That I don't own a company that makes carbon paper.

That Pompeii threw itself on the volcano grenade for the rest of us.

That there really is such a thing as sewers and septic tanks, and they're not a hoax, and someone didn't just dig big holes under our houses that have been slowly filling up with shit all this time.

If James Joyce talked like he wrote, that he did not live next door to me, because I would always have to rush from my car to my house muttering, "Oh, shit... Here comes Joyce!"

That fetuses are not human beings, because if they were they would count in the Nielsen ratings, and I'm fairly sure they would all watch UPN.

That I have never been "void where prohibited." Nothing could be worse.

That George W. Bush is the President, instead of my pharmacist, because I really need my pharmacist to be smart and good at his job

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