Monday, December 19, 2005

"Another War Based On Faulty Intelligence"

That's how a USA Today cartoon described the "War on Christmas." After showing a blowhard TV commentator holding forth on the "War on Christmas," the cartoon showed a typical mall shopper, drowning in a sea of Christmas, uttering the line above.

Bill O'Reilly was outraged. Called it a lie. Said the cartoonist and the paper knew it was a lie and wondered why they'd run something like that.

Bill was outraged. Why had the press been insisting there's no War on Christmas? His guest, a Fox News analyst, agreed, saying, "Look, who're you gonna believe, them or your own eyes?"

My own eyes. Christmas is fricking everywhere.

Anyone who says otherwise is either a moron or a demagogue seeking to exploit the gullibility of morons.

Let me put it more simply:

Let's say Tom, Jim and Nancy walk up to me, and I say, "Hi, everyone!"

Now let's say, Jim punches me in the nose.

And when I say, "Jim?! What the fuck?!" Jim says, "Way to not say hello to me! What, do you hate me? Are you anti-Jim?"

I think we'd all agree Jim's an asshole. I think Tom, Nancy and I would be justified in beating the living shit out of Jim.

My "Hi, everyone" included him as well as Tom and Nancy.

Yes, "included." Inclusiveness is not a P.C. term. It's a grammatical one.

As it happens, four major holidays fall at this time of year: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and New Year's. Rather than have to address each one individually -- like imbeciles -- we came up with "Happy Holidays." It seems to cover them all nicely.

No one should be slighted by it.

No one ever has been. Until now.

If you think there'a a War on Christmas, and you don't see that this is a cynical attempt by a couple of Fox News guys to sell a book and rouse the rabble, then you're a fucking idiot.

And if what I just said makes you go, "Hey! I'm not a fucking idiot!" then I've got news for you: You're a fucking idiot, you've always been a fucking idiot, and no one's ever told you. I'm doing you a favor. Let someone else handle your finances from now on.


Lisa said...

You should win a Pulitzer for this one.

Michael Markowitz said...

Awww, thanks... Just pass it on.

The reason I started this whole blog was kinda to say things that I wondered why no one was saying. This was one of those things.