Sunday, December 04, 2005

An Open Letter To Whoever Changes Andy Rooney's Diaper

Can you at least have the decency to talk to CBS about getting him off the air? Out of respect to his family? Or to the legacy of CBS News? Or to me?

And can you please tell him, after all these years, that the cotton in aspirin bottles is not put there to fool him? After all, they do put the number of aspirins on the outside of the bottle, so it really wouldn't be much of a trick, now would it?

No, the cotton is there to make sure the pills don't break. Can you please tell him? Because he literally brought it up again tonight.

I have watched Andy Rooney six or seven times in 25 years, and twice I have seen him mention cotton in aspirin bottles. Can you shut him the fuck up about the cotton? Because I'm this close to getting on a plane and flying to New York and shoving cotton down his throat and up his ass until the two masses of cotton meet.

1 comment:

Max Koch said...

This came up over dinner the other night, if you recall. Gilmartin was NOT appreciative of my appreciation of Andy. I, however, believe that Life Without Andy at this immediate juncture would stink like rank ass. And I CONTINUE to ingest his published collections heartily upon my pot. But know that I know that it is MY problem and certainly not YOURS.