Tuesday, January 17, 2006

And Now a Word From Chopped Liver

I don't want to give anything away unnecessarily, so I won't name the show, but on a certain TV drama this week a hostage was about to be shot in the head, and said, "Please... I have a wife."

You see this all the time, on TV and in movies. Hostages, pleading for their lives, by saying, "Please... I have a wife." Or, "Please, I have children."

Hey. I don't have a wife or children.

So if I were a hostage, too, what is this guy saying? They should let him live and kill me instead??

And everyone would be fine with that?

Thanks a whole fucking lot.

Lately I've started to realize that my life might be worth a lot less than everyone else's... and it's not just because I didn't have the foresight to get married and impregnate someone in order to avoid a bullet in the head down the line.

Remember that guy who went a little nutty at the airport in Miami (allegedly)? And was shot dead (allegedly)? I heard one of his neighbors on TV expressing surprise that such an awful thing happened to him. After all, she said, he volunteered at the local church.

I don't volunteer at the local church! I don't volunteer at the local anything!

If I got shot, what would my neighbors say? "He had it coming. Unmarried, childless, non-volunteering prick. Better him than a real American."

Well, I hasten to add that it's real, childless Americans like me who pay a fortune into the tax system while drawing very little out of it that keep the whole phony business afloat. So all of you should really be kissing our asses, thank you very much.

So the next time terrorists have a bunch of us rounded up, it wouldn't kill one of you to jump up in my place and say, "Take me! I have children!" Well, I mean, yeah, it would kill you... that's kinda the point. But you get my meaning.


Lisa said...


Ellen said...

I happened to love chopped liver.

Aside from being a delcious side dish, it's sculpting properties are quite amazing as well.

Michael Markowitz said...

Thank you both! Your support is noted!