Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Last Person on Earth to Watch the Super Bowl

I was traveling this week, so I didn't watch the game until this morning. (And by "watch the game" I mean "fast forward to the commercials.")

I didn't think I cared who won the Super Bowl. Then I realized if the Seahawks lost, that idiot from The View and the idiot who married her would be very sad, and I rooted as hard as I could for the Steelers.

I know the Super Bowl always meant a great deal to both Rosa Parks and Coretta Scott King. I believe they both face-painted at previous Bowls. So they would have been very moved by the tribute.

Also, they would have embraced the idea of security guards on the 50-yard line to keep the teams from attacking each other due to "trash talk." It really is America's Family Day. I can see why they wouldn't want it sullied by a nipple.


The first time I saw the Blockbuster commercial during the pre-game, I wondered if it was good marketing to have the guy walking through what looked like a Blockbuster store with absolutely no movies on the shelves.

The second time I saw it I wondered what was up with that guy's hair.

By midway through the pre-game, I was staring at him, wondering what was wrong with his
face? if he had been in some kind of accident. Did he go face-first through a windshield or something?

By kick-off, I was so sick of him I wanted to push him face-first through a windshield myself. Along with all those red-chair RadioShack assholes.

But anyway, on to the rest of the commercials. It's old news by now -- and they were mostly uninspiring, I thought -- so I'll go quickly.

I liked Kermit for Ford Escape and
loved Stunt City for Degree. (You can see a "director's cut" of the latter by going to the Degree website, which is NSFW.)

I loved the Clydesdale ad and the MacGyver ad.

I thought the Leonard Nimoy ad was clever, but the direction was off... Why weren't any of the people he passed along the way upset that he couldn't do "the gesture"? It wasn't clear that he had a problem except through his dialogue.

The Burger King ad was great, except I swear I saw it -- or one just like it -- six months ago. Also it needed a punch line.

The GoDaddy.com ad, which was one of my favorites last year, was a confusing jumble of cuts this year. I frankly didn't even understand it. The ESPN Mobile ad was really well done, I thought, as was the Hummer "baby" ad (though that one was not new).

As always, of course, the real loser wasn't the Seahawks... it was men.

You know you're in trouble when, aside from Nimoy and MacGyver, the most positive portrayal of a guy in the commercials is of a caveman.

The onslaught of negative stereotypes of men was punishing:

A smart capable woman does all the work while three clueless, slackass guys loaf around the office.

Stupid guys put a rotating fridge in the wall, and the stupider guys next door worship it like a god.

A moron saves a beer, leaving his friend to be mauled by a bear.

An idiot tackles a woman, ruining a friendly touch football game. (Don't worry, she gets him back at the end.)

Lazy oafs loaf on rooftops, except a hardworking oaf, who's so stupid he falls through roof. (Wife is seen reading newspaper; message is she's literate... and used to his stupidity.)

And then, of course, the final kick in the balls: the commercial for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund... "because every girl deserves to feel good about herself."

And every boy deserves to look forward to a life where pop culture will characterize him as lazy and stupid and he can fall through a roof and his wife won't even look up.

Are you ready for some disenfranchisement?

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