Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Say It Ain't So, Surface! (Spoilers)

Wow. I mean, wow. They did not go quietly.

Sensing perhaps that there would not be a season two, the folks at Surface ended season one with a dow-dow-dilly flurry of hokum. It was katy-bar-the-door time.

When last we left Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, he had decided to break into a high-security industro-milito-black-ops facility. You know the kind: electrified fences, barbed wire, gigantic infinite tunnels filled with hundreds of monorails, and thousands of armed guards in nondescript black uniforms. James Bond's kind of place.

So naturally Cletus stops to change his clothes... something from the When Eagles Dare menswear collection.

Of course, security is apparently notso hotso at Evil Inc.

He actually lies down in the road and pulls the "Ow, my leg" move. (No, I'm not kidding.) When the highly trained evil truck driver gets out to say, "Hey, you okay?" Cletus deploys some expert chop-sockey and lays him out pretty. Now Cletus' outfit is looking like a pretty smart choice, because he could easily pass for an evil truck driver. Or for Richard Burton.

We now go twelve floors below the Earth, to a secret lab. It's a biolab, a clean room, where scientists all wear bunny suits. Yet no one even looks up as a truck driver in Ilya Kuryakin clothes wanders around among them, peeping into every evil nook and cranny and actually making cell calls to Dr. Juggs to report what he sees. (No, I'm not kidding.)

(When he's discovered, the security teams run through looking everywhere for him, presumably contaminating everything in sight. None of the scientists do what I would do: peel off that stifling helmet and say, "What the fuck?! Why do I have to wear this thing every day if no one gives a shit??!")

And then they just threw in some other cliches: the interrogation scene, the school bully scene, the mother denied custody scene, the angry mob confronting the sheriff scene...

Anyway, as we begin this week's show, a tsunami is coming. (No, I'm not kidding.)

So, this week was literally a big chunk of the second half of Deep Impact, but as if Leelee Sobieski had ridden the scooter to save Elijah Wood, and if she hadn't succeeded, and if we didn't care.

Meanwhile, Dr. Juggs is going to save Cletus, but she's going into the tsunami zone, which she doesn't know... and incredibly, no one told the pilot of her plane not to land in the middle of a tsunami evacuation. This is a very relaxed airline, indeed.

So she gets off the plane in the middle of the "Yeah, lady? You need a car? You and everyone else!" scene.

Several cliches later, we come to a cell phone scene. The cell phone scene exists only to get Dr. Juggs to Cletus quickly, because apparently a bunch of episodes were cut out of the order. So he calls her and tells her how to get to him. (No, I'm not kidding.)

Now understand that every time I take Los Feliz past Louise's and The Derby, my cell phone cuts out. But these two carry on a twenty-minute cell conversation, even though he's locked in a bulletproof, tsunamiproof, soundproof cell twelve stories below the Earth's surface. And even though she goes from her car to an elevator to a security room filled with computer equipment. (I won't even tell you how she foils the biometric scanner)

And by the way, she breaks into the facility with even less trouble than he did: she hops a fence (despite the barbed wire), and breaks a window. With a fire extinguisher. Because this facility keeps its fire extinguishers outside. (No, I'm not kidding.)

Anyhoo! The tsunami hits, in a fantastically inexpensive scene set inside a church steeple staircase, because nothing smaller and cheaper was available.

There is quiet, and Faux-lijah Wood says it's over, but Dr. Juggs cautions him that tsunamis come in sets... "There'll be another... and another... and another..." she says ominously. But after one more bit of camera-shaking she looks at the clock and realizes it's almost time for Las Vegas to start so they figure it's all over.

The show ends with them surrounded by a flooded city, stranded atop a steeple, with bloodthirsty monsters swimming around them... then we hear the looped-in line, "It's like a new world."

A note of hope! The four of them will screw each other and repopulate the Earth in that steeple until the monsters eat them!

I love this show! Not one word of it made any sense at all, and they made no effort at all to make it make sense and you have to respect that. Kudos to whoever randomly chose the words the non-actors of this show said! Well played!


Sydelle Pearl said...

I'm sad that the greatest weekly entertainment, your hilarious wrap-up of the latest Surfiss episode, is now over.

Michael Markowitz said...

Thank you, Sydelle, I am sad it's over, too. The good news is they just added an extra week of ProjWay to ease our pain!

Sean Tisdall said...

Undoubtedly hilarious. But why do I feel the urge to make a snarky comment? It must be something, something buried deep within my past...