Sunday, April 30, 2006

American Inventor: "Friends Forever"

Yes, that's right, if you managed to sit through the chewed-up-and-vomited-out first hour of American Inventor, you got to see the endless second hour. It's like getting hit in the face with a hammer so relentlessly you're grateful for herpes.

The centerpiece of the hour was the creation of the black female Chuckie doll. Its pleasing world rhythms are just the right mask for the evil killing spree to come.

This episode of American Inventor pitted two non-inventors against an inventor, and the suspense was whether the mentally unbalanced judge would select the deserving candidate or one of the other knuckleheads.

One "invented" a friggin' doll. Yes, that's right, a doll. (I know, you can't invent a doll, but play along.) The doll says, "Friends forever" over and over again, but it doesn't say it as nicely as Chuckie used to.

Also the doll is not as sinister as the inventor woman is, as she gapes at the panel of judges with a "Well? Well? Well?" look after each thing the doll does and says. For some reason this woman thinks the doll shits ice cream. It's just a doll.

The problem is she invented the first multicultural doll twenty-some-odd years ago, locked herself in her basement until she perfected it, then emerged, blinking at the sunlight, to unveil her masterpiece. Super. What if I locked myself in my basement twenty years ago to invent a machine the size of a deck of cards that holds a thousand songs? If I come out today, should a panel of judges indulge my fantasy, or break it to me gently that I've wasted my life?

The other guy -- who seems very nice -- has invented a portable exercise system that isn't very portable. It also isn't very safe, since it injured the first tester. But he's got a lot of heart and passion, which is all you need on American Inventor.

The third guy invented a new kind of bicycle! In a sane world, the contest would have been over in two minutes. But this dragged on forever, because the judge in charge was certifiably insane and there was no telling what she might do. There was about a ten percent chance she would select one of the walls as the winner... That's how crazy this bitch is.

But (SPOILER AHEAD if you care) she picked the only inventor in the bunch, and the inventor woman went home to be murdered by her doll, and the nice old guy went home to be crippled by his unsafe exercise system.

Next week, an "all-new" show. How many old clips will there be, I wonder?


norm said...

I agree, the doll was not really much of an invention, but it wasn't so much the doll, but the lady who freaked me out.
She was so intense and serious and humorless...she reminded me of the children's book people I worked with at McGraw-Hill.
Why do these people try to make things for children? Is it an evil plot to destroy the childhood of others, because they were never children themselves?

norm said...

I also loved you description of the doll "inventor" psycho-lady and her Well? Well? Well? my baby shits ice cream,look.
It was hard for me to handle as a viewer, I could only imagine what it was like in person.

Michael Markowitz said...

I believe every doll purchased should be hand delivered to the child by that woman, who should then stand there with that look on her face while the child starts to play with it. (Until the child runs away, of course)