Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Man Without Country

Oh, how I wish I were one.

The thing I hate most about American Idol country night is the hopelessness of it. I mean, as each song ends, you know you have nothing to look forward to but another damn country song.

I know there are people who love country music, but for me it is the musical equivalent of watching a conveyor belt. Most country songs begin where they end and end where they begin, as if someone were turning the crank on some awful music box. (Bad rock songs, too: Listen sometime to Heart's "Even It Up" and try to guess whether you're in the first minute of the song or the third minute.)

Anyhoo, on to the slog of last night's show.

Why didn't Taylor sing "Thank God I'm a Country Boy!" or something that would have let him show his happy side? That was a terribly joyless experience.

To my uneducated ears, it sounded like Chris and Ace sang the exact same song. Only Chris sang it without looking and sounding like a gigantic pussy. As usual, Chris and Katharine were the highlights of the evening, and Kellie was close behind.

After Kenny Rogers, wearing Charlize Theron's face, stressed that it was super-important for Bucky to enunciate every word or the point of his song would be lost... I didn't understand a fucking word Bucky sang. Not one. It's as if he sings with a mouth full of chaw and squirrel. Everything but teeth.

Unfortunately, one of my favorite songs was on the show last night, and it was mangled by Paris. "How Do I Live?" is such a beautiful song, and until last night I would have told you it was singer-proof. I mean, all you have to do is sing it. But unfortunately, that demented Oompa-Loompa decided to scream it, and the results were hideous.

And before you ask how I can love "How Do I Live?" when I supposedly hate country music, I would point out two things:

1. "Hating country music" is a gross generalization. I actually like some country music.

2. "How Do I Live?" was written by Diane Warren from the down-home holler of Van Nuys.


gina said...

"Only Chris sang it without looking and sounding like a gigantic pussy"

LOL, perfect! Ace is such a girl, isn't he?

I'm not a fan of country music, either, and I think they compounded things by picking crap songs. Especially Taylor. Good God, what was he thinking?

Michael Markowitz said...

Ace is SO MUCH a girl. And a little one at that. I'm convinced that any woman who finds him dreamy really has sexual ussues they haven't confronted.

And yeah, I'm not a fan of country music, but I was, of course, overly harsh in my criticism for comic effect. Truth be told, my iPod has a couple of helpings of corn on it.

I'm sure any fan of country was cringing at the choices they made. But they really chose the worst, most blatantly corporate, boring country music in the world.

And yeah, Taylor had a century of the world's most joyful music to choose from. He could be going home tonight. But I think Paris or Bucky or Ace could save his bacon.

I'll say one thing: if Ace is spared tonight, and he does that fey little bow, I am going to shave my head into a mohawk and shoot him.