Sunday, July 16, 2006

Ladies, You'll Hate Hearing This: Good News

There's nothing women hate more than being told they don't have to worry about something they worry about. So I'm going to lob this out there, and prepare to be either ignored or scorned. Don't matter to me... I got no dog in this fight.

There was a report the other day on Today about the painful shoes women wear. (Yes, I know, it's not like there are a few World Wars going on... but remember, they do have three hours to kill, and half the anchors are in cabs by 9:15.)

First they showed a film piece of women bitching about how uncomfortable their shoes are, and how the high heels hurt them, and they can only wear them an hour at a time, and then doctors said it's causing spinal damage, and they'll all be in Stephen Hawking chairs in about three months, and the women were complaining about how expensive they are, and there were a lot of Sex and the City clips and blah blah blah.

And then there was a show of more "comfortable" fashions, starting with a shoe that looked, to me, really uncomfortable. The woman wearing it was still on her tippy-toes, but I guess the heel wasn't spikey. It was one long sole, so the heel was connected to the toe (now hear the word of the Lord).

It was like a sandal, with a preposterous cork bulletin board under it. If it were Lucite, you could have filled it with water and goldfish. She looked ridiculous, standing en pointe like that, but she was supposedly comfortable because it wasn't a spikey heel.

So I turned off the TV. I was as bored as I am by Frenchmen using their bald heads as weapons.

Ladies, I'm going to ask you to stop icing down your feet and use your heads:

Have you ever seen a TV show or movie? You know the girl that the guy falls in love with? The one played by Jennifer Aniston or Amy Smart or whoever? She's the one in sneakers and jeans and a T-shirt.

You know the actress in the $800 shoes and the expensive dress and the diamond earrings? The one with the cat makeup and the done-up eyebrows, who also likes our hero? The one who ends up with mud or horseshit splashed all over her at the end, while our guy and Jennifer or Amy ride their beater convertible into the sunset?

Why do you keep dressing like the loser character?

Have none of you realized that the Devil wears Prada? That no straight guy gives a shit what shoes you wear? That, actually, the fact that you care about what shoes you wear is a bit of a turn-off for most guys? That it's unfathomable that anyone would run to spend eight hundred shekels for a pair of shoes that hurt their feet when the perfect pair of shoes for men and women -- slip-on Chucks -- can be had for thirty?

Now I know what you're saying: "Who says I dress for men? I dress for me! To make me feel good!"

Okay, fine. But, first of all, bullshit, because you don't feel good. And second of all, bullshit, because you don't dress to make yourself feel good, you either dress to make yourself feel less bad, or to make other women feel more bad... depending on which end of the self-esteem-ometer you land on.

And finally, bullshit, because women are always bitching to men about how unfair it is that our clothes are so much easier and cheaper and it's so much less fuss for us to get ready. If it's unfair, then fuss less.

The sexiest women I've ever known wore almost no makeup, used baseball caps instead of doing their hair, and lived in sweatpants. They were sexy because they spent that hour or two a day being nice to the people in their lives and to themselves instead of locked in the bathroom torturing their bodies. They spent that eight hundred dollars on beers and movies and vacations instead of skirts and pumps. They lived, instead of wearing costumes for a show about living.

If you dress up because you like it, like it, and own liking it. If you don't like it, don't do it. Wear flats, wear jeans, and screw anyone who doesn't like it. And instead of stopping in the ladies room to freshen your makeup after lunch, stop by the cubicle of someone you've always wanted to talk to.

6 comments:

peeky said...

I live in NY where all the high heel hype appears to emanate from and I don't get it either. They look good sometimes, but if you wear them on city streets for more than fifteen minutes you've essentially already beaten them to death. This was never addressed in that show about four NY women who've never ever existed in the history of the world. Plus, half-way decent looking high heels cost hundreds of dollars and are not sturdily made.

Sidebar: Like most women's clothing, which is crappily made with cheap buttons and mysteriously costs more to dry clean than men's clothes even though the pieces are smaller. Hmm. Aren't you glad i inserted this sidebar? End of sidebar.

Anyway, I do get you about the high heel thing.

Michael Markowitz said...

I believe the reason dry cleaners charge women more is threefold:

1. The garments are more delicate

2. The women are more likely to complain if they're not done right

3. Having been gullible enough to overspend on the outfits, surely the women are gullible enough to overspend on their maintenance. Business 101.

And I am ALWAYS happy to read your thoughts, Peeky. It's been too long!

Michael Markowitz said...

As for that TV show about the four women, the writer Matt Weiner used to say those were just Golden Girls scripts with the names whited out.

Michael Markowitz said...

Also, one more reality check? Ladies, you know how sleek and catlike Heidi Klum looks walking down the runway in those heels?

Most of you look ridiculous teetering on them. And even if you do manage to walk okay, you do it making a funny face that you don't even know you're making. Either a screwed-together, concentrating-real-hard face, or a someone-once-told-me-this-is-my-FIERCE face.

Either one is hi-DAY-ous.

peeky said...

I agree with your point #3. It's why women's fashions change every 12 weeks, and you better buy all new stuff!!!!! Hurry! Also, if you and I both had hair that was three inches long and we both decided to get 1/2 inch trimmed, mine would cost more because women's trims and cuts cost more, period, which is because women's hair is made out of tiny steel ropes that are harder to cut.

Michael Markowitz said...

Peeky, I think women might also pay more because if I don't like my haircut, hey, whattaya gonna do. No man on Earth would ever think of going back a day or two later for an "adjustment." Women are actually paying for a week-long series of cuts. It's more of an ongoing renovation project than a haircut. ;-)