Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Emmys

The West Wing, 24 and House nominated for superb seasons, Lost screwed.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Still... Lost not nominated???

Must relax. Must focus on Big Brother returning tonight.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I Feel So Bad For This Girl! If You Know Her, Please Do Something Nice For Her, Stat!

"CIA REPORTEDLY SHUTS DOWN ANTI-BIN LADEN UNIT" -- CNN

"I want justice. There's an old poster out west, as I recall, that said, 'Wanted: Dead or Alive.'"
-- George W. Bush, the Pentagon, 9/17/01

"Obviously if you were Osama bin Laden today...I think you'd have to be very, very nervous. And as that happens, as the president said when we started this, we'll keep after him until we smoke him out and run him to ground."
-- Dick Cheney, 60 Minutes II, 11/14/01

"In his first statement as a free man, O.J. Simpson called it nothing less than 'my primary goal in life.' And that was to do 'whatever it takes' to find 'the killer or killers who slaughtered Nicole and Mr. Goldman.'"
-- Los Angeles Times, 10/4/95

RocketBuhBye


The Amanda-less Rocketboom has been dreary lately. I assumed she was on vacation. Turned out she was fired by her partner. If you are unfamiliar with Rocketboom, this is like Conan or Dave simply vanishing from their shows one day.

More than 300,000 viewers, by very conservative estimates, made Amanda Congdon a daily ritual. That's as many viewers as Paula Zahn or Anderson Cooper has. I can't imagine why Rocketboom would tamper with success, or think something so personality-driven and personal could survive something so ugly, but hey, whattaya gonna do? They've sure lost me.

I am a big fan of Amanda's, and I watched her faithfully every day. I hope I soon get to do it somewhere else. Meanwhile you can see her heartfelt message to her viewers at Unboomed.

Dannon Activia

Have you seen this commercial? It's fascinating. And not just because of the product name, which may be the least appetizing ever. It sounds like either a diuretic or a paint thinner.

Anyway, in the commercial we meet two women, apparently roommates. One asks the other if she wants to go out. Girl #2 demurs. "I'm bloated," she moans. "Irregular."

Who knew? Apparently, it's possible to give too good a performance in a commercial. This woman's agony is so palpable, I begin to fear she has dengue fever.

As I wrap myself in duct tape and dial the CDC, her roommate suggests it's "probably stress from exams."

Now...

If you've seen this commercial, you probably had the same reaction I did:

"Stress from exams?!"

I would think the stress of being two women in their fifteenth year of college would be extraordinary.

(Of course, it's always possible that the exams are not college exams, but AARP early-admit exams.)

In any case, one dose of Dannon paint thinner, and they are ready to go out. And something about girl #1's shrill insistence that they "GO OUT!" (and the fact that she's teased her hair out something wicked) tells me she does not intend to come home tonight. I only hope Dannon makes penicillin.

Ken Lay

Oh, you're good. Touche, sir.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Is There a Statute of Limitations on "Those Kids and Their Noise"?

I'm in Starbucks, working away, and enjoying the Chuck Berry music they're playing. And an older woman -- not an insanely old woman -- comes in and starts shaking her head and making a lot of prune-faces and muttering disapproving "oh my" sounds about the music.

And it got me to thinking: Chuck Berry is eighty years old.

American Bandstand
and "Rock Around the Clock" came out more than fifty years ago.

At what point will the rock-haters kinda give up?

Are there still people standing in the middle of the street angrily waving buggy whips at cars??

The Flying Dutchman


A Dutch architect has invented a floating bed, kept aloft by magnets, which goes for a measly 1.5 million dollars.

Much as I love gadgets, there is no technolgy on Earth I trust enough to keep my bed floating while my cat sleeps under it. Sorry, I'll pass, Dutchie (on the left-hand side).

Sunday, July 02, 2006

New Should've Asked Me Feature: Guest Movie Reviews

SUPERMAN RETURNS
reviewed by
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY

"Didn't see it. Didn't seem like my kind of movie. Commercials showed a lot of Metropolans cutting and running. Should have greeted Superman as a liberator. He can stand down when they learn to stand up for themselves against Luthor. Besides, Superman can't get the job done with the Daily Planet digging around, exposing his secret identity. Just a disgrace. Haven't seen a movie in years. No, wait. Check that. Saw Titanic. Hated it. Bunch of cut-and-runners. 'Ship's going down. Mother! Mother!' Far as I could see, all the science wasn't in on that yet, and there they were, jumping into lifeboats. Should've stayed the course. You'll know the ship is sinking when there's water in your nose, that's what I say. Last movie I liked was Red Dawn. That Patrick Swayze, he's a good-looking man. Not like in gay. Like in, we should go hunting some time. Goddammit, who do you have to fuck to get an Eskimo Pie around here?!"

The Art of the Kill Me Now

I just turned on my TV, and my TiVo was in the process of "suggest recording" something called The Art of the Party with the MiGi Girls.

From now on I am going to keep a gun by the TV to slowly raise into my mouth in case I ever hear their voices again.