Friday, July 14, 2006

From Conan Last Night

"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton said she's been playing the violin for years. Yeah, Paris said, 'I've always felt comfortable with wood resting against my chin.'"

Law & Order

This may be old news to everyone else, but I just read that Milena Govich and Alana De La Garza are replacing Dennis Farina and Annie Parisse on Law & Order next season. Both are huge steps up, IMHO, and not just because they're extraordinarily beautiful. They're both very talented actresses, and will give one of my favorite shows the shot in the arm it needs.

Headlines of the Century: The Daily Show on Robert Novak's Appearances with Brit Hume and Hannity & Colmes

"Oh, the Hume Hannity!"


"Snake on a Plame"

Big Brother & Project Runway (SPOILERS)

First of all, I despise BB7's Alison more than I can say, so thank goodness and goodbye to her janky ass.

But will someone out there please explain why everyone admires Danielle so much? If I am remembering correctly -- and I admit I may not be -- Danielle is the reason they now sequester the jury. She was so arrogant in the diary room, so stupid and such a bully in her gloating after each eviction, that she alienated each and every person voted out of the house.

She screwed each person on the way out the door, and then gave them an extra kick in the ass after they left. And then she wanted them to vote for her? And she's still doing it!! Why do they all think she's such a brilliant player? Janelle is, without question, the greatest player in BB history. (Though Will has a special place in reality show history for being the first person on television to brazenly lie his way to victory.)

I want Danielle out next. Then I can focus my rage on Project Runway's obnoxious trio of Angela, Malan and the guy with the Declaration of Independence on his neck (and, presumably, a treasure map on his ass).

By the way, does it occur to anyone else that Malan has a lot of attitude for a guy who lives in Long Island City?

And as for Angela, in the first hour I wanted to hit her in the face with a shovel before she finally pronounced the second "o" in "Ohio."

Cell Phones and Handsfree and Whiskers on Kittens

All this blather about banning the use of handheld cell phones in cars has always baffled me. Frankly, I haven't really held a phone in my hand for more than a minute or two for about ten years if I could help it. I use headsets or earpieces in the car and at home. Not for safety, but for convenience and for comfort.

I can't understand why anyone would choose to hold a phone when they could just relax and chat freely and easily and have both hands free. And I confess, I have bluetooth headsets I like, and I occasionally use them at home and on the road, but I prefer the same wired set I've used for years. The sound quality is flawless, and it never needs charging. Because I tend to lose or break them, I buy them by the case whenever I find a deal on them.

This is all by way of saying that I never paid much attention when they banned talking on handheld cell phones, because I didn't care. I don't do it, and I never thought it was particularly dangerous. But now there are "studies" claiming that any talking on a cell phone -- even handsfree -- is as distracting as driving drunk. That any cell phone use in a car should be banned.

What?? Now they've gone too far.

Will someone please help me understand why my talking on a cell phone handsfree is any more distracting than my talking to the person in the seat next to me? I sometimes look at the person in the seat next to me. I never look at the phone when I'm talking to it.

(And by the way, I voice dial when I dial, and my phone is clipped to the dash so I don't have to look away from the road to flip it open to answer it, so there's no distraction on that front.)

What about eating in the car? I've seen people putting on makeup in the car or reading in the car. You want to ban the number one, primo, biggest distraction in the car? Make it unlawful to drive with children. Children in the car are a hundred times more distracting than cell phones. How many times have you seen a mother tending to a child in the back seat while driving full speed ahead? How many times have you been that mother?

I say let's make all children stay home until they're old enough to behave in the car. It would certainly make restaurants a lot more fun.

Meanwhile, let's not lose our minds about cell phones. There was even a quote in the paper about how it's worse to change CD's or work "those navigation systems." Uh... right... Easy to blame tech, as always. Those are both things you theoretically do once or twice a trip. Unlike dealing with wayward eyeliner or unruly children.

Before there were cell phones, bad drivers lit cigarettes to distract them. Bad drivers spill hot coffee to distract them. Bad drivers get distracted not by the distraction, but because they are bad drivers. A good driver can build a ship in a bottle while driving. Let's use some common sense, people.

Important Reminder to Pet Owners

This warning from the ASPCA is about acetaminophen. A family in Syracuse, NY, accidentally dropped a tablet on the floor and didn't realize it. Their cat, Scooter, ate it, and died a slow and painful death.

Please be mindful of your pills, your vitamins, your food, your candy, your plant cuttings, and anything else that might be harmless to you but might be toxic to your pets. Even the leaves you track in from the garden might be poisonous.

One of my cats, who is too smart for her own good, once managed to open a childproof bottle of Tylenol with her teeth. Thank goodness she didn't eat any of the pills, but if you think your cats are less curious than your kids you're mistaken. Believe me, I now keep the Tylenol where she can't get to it. It takes so little effort to make a safe environment for your animal pals, but it can save so much heartache.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

If Anyone Who Works at iTunes is Reading This...

...I love iTunes. I use it every day. But one thing about it makes me want to kill myself and everyone I know.

When I subscribe to a podcast, I do NOT want to be thrown into the podcast window to see it downloading. What am I supposed to do? Sit there like some Crank Yankers puppet and clap and go "Yayyyyyy"?

I would like to continue to subscribe to podcasts. But to do so I have to keep clicking back to the Music Store like an idiot.

Please fix this. Thank you for your cooperation.

Next up: The makers of the Burnout games please make it optional to have to sit through trophy ceremonies and car presentations, and the makers of Halo please stop making the punch in the face more deadly than grenades, guns, or bazookas.

Even the Poop Enjoys It When You Poop

Though someone -- perhaps Prime Minister Koizumi -- should tell the little boy that that kind of straining may be how Elvis died.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Most. Controversial. Books. Ever.

This list of the most-banned books in history is thought-provoking and terrifying. Who knew The Bible, The Call of the Wild, and Escher were so bad for you? And whatcha gonna do when they come for you?