Saturday, September 09, 2006

Project Runway Questions

I think there might have been a fundamental flaw in the "jetset" competition. Sure, Michael looked fantastic in his outfit... but could that be because Michael is an incredibly handsome guy? Can you imagine, say, Vincent or Jeffrey or Kayne in those fringed pants? They'd look ridiculous.

By the same token, everyone made fun of Vincent's travel outfit, but wouldn't Michael have looked great in that? I'll bet even the tailoring would have looked better with Michael's confident stride instead of Vincent's schlumpy one. Michael could even have made that ludicrous thing Jeffrey designed look good. Jeffrey looked like a nerd showing up for the Halloween dance. I can't believe anyone could like that.

Also, what kind of alien spawn is Laura growing?? The last two episodes have seen her midsection balloon like, well, a balloon.

According to Tim Gunn's podcast, the reason her family didn't know she was pregnant was because she went to the doctor the day before the Kors luncheon. Then, at the luncheon, she surprises her mother with the news that she's pregnant. She gets back from the luncheon, and she's got a bump. Then she gets on a plane, and by the time it lands, her belly is hanging over her belt!! WTF??

Even more astonishing, somehow she still has a no-boob-chest-baring dress that fits! Who knew the Debra Messing Collection had a maternity line?

Then, on the boat in Paris, Laura says she designed that Morticia gown with sleeves because she's "always cold." Well, no shit, Sherlockina! I'm no scientist, but maybe you're always cold because your arms and ribcage are always naked!!

As for Jeffrey, someone needs to hit him. Hard.

And I repeat what I always say: I want Tim Gunn to be my life coach. He's the best.

I'm Not Getting a Good Feeling About The Class

Okay, I have to confess that when I heard the premise for the new CBS sitcom The Class, I was very skeptical. I mean, people bound by the fact that they went to third grade together? Only on television do people remember more than one person they went to third grade with, much less hang out with them. (Just like only on television do people order coffee with cream and sugar in it.)

But fair is fair, so I watched the promo for it when it aired. The promo had scenes from the pilot, and I was shocked that there was not one joke. Oh, the audience was laughing, but at what I couldn't figure out. People said things where the jokes would go, then they made funny faces, but I'll be damned if they were jokes.

I guess the network felt the same way, because they yanked that promo pronto, and replaced it with one showing the cast on a playground in front of a blue sky. They're still making faces, but they're not saying anything, so there's no way to judge if the show's funny or not. Not a good sign.

But I wanted to be fair. At the end of the promo, the announcer says if we'd like to learn more about The Class, to go to classmates.com. So I went... and the site has nothing to do with CBS. As Rob Corddry would say, "Come on!"

I think I've put in more than my share of the effort. And yet, I've lost interest in this show before it's even aired.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Enchanting Artistry or Sheer Terror?

One thing's for sure: She's the only one who can save us from the Army of Scissors.


America's Schoolmarm Gave Us Homework

If you're like me, you feel as though you can't go outside and play until you do the homework assignment Ms. Couric gave us. We apparently have to come up with a sign-off for her nightly news show, or it's detention for the lot of us.

My favorite is one that several people have suggested to me:

"Either you're in, or you're out. I'm Katie Couric. Auf wiedersehen."

If Katie started saying that at the end of the news, then I'd start watching.

A Man Who Took a Picture of Himself Every Day For Six Years

Oddly enough, Paula Marshall appears in nine of them.

The Path to Bullshit

GM decided not to sponsor Survivor this year. GM, CBS and Mark Burnett say the decision was made months ago, and has nothing to do with this hummajumma some cranks are trying to raise about the "racist" angle of the new season. Every bit of media coverage added some sort of arch, "as if we believe that" sort of note.

Now ABC has a 9/11 miniseries, which is apparently filled with flat-out invented scenes and made-up stuff that is completely at odds with the truth.

In other words, bullshit.

They sent tapes to Brent Bozell and Rush Limbaugh, but refuse to send tapes to President Clinton and Sandy Berger. So clearly there's no political agenda.

ABC has decided to present this show without commercials and even without anyone sponsoring it. Because it's more "tasteful" that way. Networks are traditionally super-tasteful. As such, they love to eat the cost of two nights of programming and have it not count in the Nielsens.

Yet no one is questioning whether or not ABC's explanation is "docudrama."

Anyway, now that I know where ABC's bar of "docu" is in their "docudramas" I am preparing a pitch for a miniseries called The Path to the Iraq War. It's inspired by true events, but others have been enhanced or invented for dramatic purposes.

It starts with George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden playing miniature golf in the Rose Garden, and arguing over a longstanding bet they have as to who can kill the most Americans. Bush feels 9/11 shouldn't count, but Osama is standing firm. Bush even offers to give odds on their other longstanding bet -- Ann Coulter... Dude or Zombie? -- but no dice.

So Bush is now 3,000 Americans down, and he's got to think fast.


In the Situation Room, Bush and Cheney come up with an idea: lie us into a war in Iraq that will essentially be a senseless death factory, and a distraction from the real War on Terror, and hope to hit that magic 3,000 number before Osama adds any more dead Americans to his side of the scoreboard.

Condoleeza Rice objects on moral grounds, but Cheney reminds her that they have pictures of her and Sean Hannity killing JonBenet Ramsey, and those pictures will go public if she squawks again. She clams up, and vows never again to set next to Rumsfeld, who has explosive diarrhea. Again.

Admittedly, I made most of this stuff up, but it was artistic invention to enhance the dramatic flow of a hard-to-follow story. Besides, as the media have been pointing out, all docudramas contain lies. What's the big deal?

I will let you know when the offers come in.

"Anarchy" "Taliban Menace Grows" "Suicide Bombings Up 400%" "Deadliest Spate of Violence" "Slaughter" "NATO Seeks More Troops"

"Things are going swimmingly in Afghanistan."

-- Ann Coulter, Hannity & Colmes, 8/24/06

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

What If, Indeed


Have you seen these Discover Card commercials where the army of scissors takes over the city, and people -- including a toddler -- laugh and feed them their credit cards? Am I the only one who thinks, "What happens when we run out of credit cards?"

And what if they're still hungry???

"Game Over"

Previously on Big Brother, Janelle Broke My Heart...

... but last night, she finally wised up and unbroke it.