Friday, November 10, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Monday, November 06, 2006
In the past, Ann Coulter has explained why she had two driver's licenses with two different birthdays on them -- one of which would have made her too young to vote when she did -- by saying, "I'm a girl."
Now Coulter is refusing to participate in an investigation into whether she committed felony voter fraud on another occasion. Her excuse? She and her lawyer will only answer questions by phone or in person, not in writing.
In honor of the cadaverous and adam's-apple-tastic Ms. Coulter, here are my nominees for the dozen worst excuses, alibis and whoppers of recent history. Please feel free to chime in with others I've forgotten. Surely there are many.
12. Anything written by Earl Dittman
11. TIE: I didn't have gay sex, it was just a massage/Yes, I did buy meth, but I threw it away immediately.
10. TIE: We will be greeted as liberators/Iraq is going remarkably well/The war will pay for itself.
9. I know I'm Speaker of the House, but I can't be expected to know what everyone else in Congress knew!
8. I did molest pages, but it's not my fault: I was drunk.
7. Stopping Parkinson's medication makes you shake.
6. In the sentence "You get stuck in Iraq" where would the word "us" even go?!
5. I will fire anyone shown to have leaked CIA information to the press.
4. I couldn't have shot my wife: I was getting my gun at the time.
3. I was never "Stay the course"
2. No one ever said Iraq and 9/11 were connected.
1. Mission Accomplished
I've written before about the "bold moves" ad where the woman at the drive-through dry cleaners asks the woman to give the guy in the next car her card... because he looks hunky. I suggested that this was a good way to meet serial rapists without having to go to all the bother of walking naked through alleys.
I know I'm obsessed with this ad, but I did have another thought about how it could end. The woman in the dry cleaner, the one who gives a knowing look? I think she pockets the card and says nothing to the guy. Then, after closing, she goes down to the basement where she unchains her twin leatherfaced sons, gives them machetes and the card, and hisses, "Kill the whore!"
Sunday, November 05, 2006
I recently saw the terrifying and fascinating HBO documentary Hacking Democracy. I was already aware that our election system was a sham. I didn't realize it was a sham and a mockery.
Every impartial observer who examines voting technology says it can be hacked in minutes or seconds by anyone. The manufacturers (Diebold chief among them) claim the hacking can't be done in a real-life election situation.
Before every election, armies of lawyers mobilize to challenge the results. It's become as much a part of Election Day as baby-kissing.
Meanwhile, a growing number of Americans believe that their votes don't matter. That the fix is in.
It's clearly out of control.
So here's my idea: a one-time Federal holiday called Save Election Day.
On this day, the Federal Government could call for a mock election, of sorts. Every mechanism that goes into a real election will be in place. The public could vote on anything... A vs. B, or Plain vs. Peanut, or Dave vs. Jay, or IE vs. Firefox, or whatever. Doesn't matter. The only requirement is that there only be two choices on the ballot, with no write-ins.
Then the Government should designate a "shadow candidate"... let's say "Robinson Crusoe" or "Marie Curie" or "Godzilla" or "Fakey Fakerson" or whoever... and guarantee immunity for anyone who hacks the system in favor of that candidate.
When the votes are counted, if Godzilla gets, like, six percent of the vote, spread out over ten states, we will know we have a serious problem. Proof. End of discussion.
Isn't that worth one day out of our lives?
Just a suggestion: We could make it December 11th, the day Washington began his march to Valley Forge in 1777. The day Germany declared war on the United States in 1941. The day the Libertarian Party was formed in 1971.
The day the Supreme Court heard Bush v. Gore in 2000.