Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Person Who Most Needs to be Hit In the Face With a Shovel

If you've been watching the new season of Beauty and the Geek, you know I'm talking about snotty, obnoxious, spoiled, vindictive, vain, tacky, stupid uber-skank Cecille. She is the poor man's version of the skid row version of the dumpster version of Paris Hilton... but with Ann Coulter's charm. If you've seen the show, you can back me up on this.

If, on the other hand, you haven't been watching, don't. This mall-trash termagant will make your skin crawl, and I don't want that to happen to you. Take my word for it, she is vile. If anyone reading this works in a level-4 lab and has access to the odd vial of ebola or Lassa fever... well, you know what to do. (tip: If you put the virus in a really cheap perfume bottle, you can rest assured she'll drench herself in it.)

I ordinarily enjoy Beauty and the Geek, In the past it's been both fun and moving. But this season has been a disappointment. The joy of the show is discovering the sweetness beneath the hotness, and the coolness beneath the geekiness.

But this seasons "beauties" are anything but. Depending on what coast you live on, they are either "L.A. Sixes" or "Butterfaces." Not to mention they abuse the privilege of being morons. (Actual quote when told they'll be working with tools: "What are tools?") The most notable exception was the likable and cute Andrea, who was treated like dirt by the others as a result.

As for the men, they're much better catches than the women. They're affable, kind, gentle guys. The makeovers weren't as radical as in previous seasons, because the men didn't look so bad to begin with.

One more note:

Tonight's show had scenes of Cecille manhandling a chihuahua. When asked not to be so rough with the little dog (and not to jam the poor thing's head through some cheap bracelets) she protested (snottily, of course) that she had a lot of experience with chihuahuas. She then exclaimed, "Chihuahuas are tough."

Rule of thumb: If a dog visibly trembles, chances are it's not "tough."

Second, if you ever have the pleasure of holding a chihuahua, please do not treat it roughly. Their necks are fragile (obviously, don't jam bracelets over their heads), and some have a condition that makes them the canine version of Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable. Even a fall from a bed can result in trauma, broken bones or even death.

This fragility, along with their aversion to strangers, makes carrying them around in your handbag while you're club-hopping seem pretty idiotic. These are loving, loyal animals... not accessories.

It would have been nice if the show had run a disclaimer or PSA letting younger viewers -- or, for that matter, 27-year-old skanks -- know that the way this dog was abused was wrong.

(And I haven't even mentioned Cecille's snotty, derisive comments about a sweet bulldog. Anyone who can hate on a bulldog is not okay in my book.)

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