Tuesday, April 10, 2007

American Idol: No Es Bueno

First things first: Jennifer Lopez is so radiant and beautiful that it's cruel to make the Idolistas stand next to her. It was bad enough to put them next to Tony Bennett and Gwen Stefani, but next to Jennifer they look like sliced lox. And not good lox either.

This group is just plain lacking in star quality. You can see star quality when you look at Tony or Gwen or Jennifer. You can see it when you look at Heather Locklear in the Loreal commercial. Hell, you can see it when you look at Ryan or Simon. They simply look more
alive on TV than other people.

Lakisha's dull features and dead eyes? Ain't got it.

But on to the individual performances:

First up is Mrs. Potato Head with "Sway." I swear to God I felt just like Robert DeNiro in
Jackie Brown, watching Simone sing "Baby Love." The difference is I knew there'd be no phone call from Odell to end my suffering.

Then it's Fauxretha with "Conga is Gonna Get You" or some shit. For the love of God, does the Miami Sound Machine have a mute button?

Next is Buzz Haircut ("To Suckdom... and Beyond!") with "Smooth." Nobody makes Rob Thomas look better than Buzz. This is the most joyless performance of a fun song ever. I mean, I haven't smiled once and it's
Latin night, ferchrissake.

Then Haley, the only one I like, let me down. As much as I hate when women wear shoes they can't walk in, I
really hate when they wear them for dance numbers.

In general, her outfit, hair and makeup were as bad as it gets. She looked like a hooker the morning after laundry day. I've never understood loud animal prints; they seem like the definition of tacky, no? And why would a woman with nice cleavage wear a cleavage-revealing top, then
cover up the cleavage with another top? Can anyone explain that to me?

As for her singing, she was strangely out of breath. Probably from the struggle of wearing two tops.

Then Phil came out, still sporting that look that he thinks says "I am streetwise" but which actually says "I was an extra in
Newsies."

Phil, Michael Stipe called: He wants you to get some sun and eat something.

The big surprise of the show is why McDonalds is advertising its Angus Burger to Angelenos by showing us Boston assholes making fun of us. Is that supposed to
please us? "Put down your surfboards?" Hey, fuck you, too.

On a side note, the Angus Burger is fantastic, except when you order the Bacon and Cheese with Bacon and Cheese only, it's about a 50-50 shot whether you will
get Bacon and Cheese only. Why must every burger come with untold piles of crap? Why can't there be a default burger that comes crapless?

Anyway, I digress. Back to
American Idol: The Search for the Person Who Will Sell 10,000 Albums Next Year.

Then comes the girl I always forget is in this thing. She looks like a tube of toothpaste, and sadly, it's a new tube. Also, she seems to comb her hair with buttered toast. She also sang that awful "Come On Do the Rhythm Conga" song Lakisha did, which is not good. And right near the beginning she made a hammy, "you slyboots" face that is only appropriate if you have snuff in your cuff. I was sure she didn't, so I went to get a soda.

Then came the Human Defeat Box. He's wearing one of those hats tools wear, but that no one has looked good in since Der Bingle.

Next up is a particularly-unwashed Sanjaya. He sucks. Donkeys.

The judges like it. They are clearly drunk.

I am going off to get the same.

2 comments:

Ellen said...

I feel your pain.
I haven't watched every single season, but this group has got to be the most underwhelming of them all.

I know Jennifer's got an album to plug, otherwise she'd be home in her Prada sweatpants groaning at the tv like the rest of us.

She was rather radiant and made everyone else look grayed-out.

I was rather amazed at how the judges praised beat-box boy. Unless they were scripted to say so.

Well, let's see the results tonight. Who do you think will go?
Methinks it might be Batboy.

Michael Markowitz said...

Better him than Haley