Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Idol... or... whatever...

I'm gonna ramble a bit here. I admit it, the wind is out of my sails on this Idol thing with Haley gone. Not that she was so great, but she was the last one I was even semi-rooting for. Now it's like watching Tampa Bay play the Royals for who gets to face the Rockies. And the Hawks.

But let's run through it anyway. First came a somber Ryan, muted in honor of the VT victims. And who knew there was a "Tragic American Idol Theme"? (I thought maybe the opening title entertainbots would walk with their heads hung low, but I was wrong) I believe the doleful theme music was a tradition that started with the "Sad Entertainment Tonight Piano."


Anyhoo, I thought American Idol's we-feel-bad-for-enjoying-ourselves theme transitioned nicely and tastefully back to "Happy Idol," and we were underway. And here come the contestants in the Competition to Choose the Answer to a Future Trivial Pursuit Question:

First up, Phil:

Phil sang something about "Where the Blacktop Ends." I believe there's another name for that: Dirt.

The good news is, Phil finally lost the Huggy Bear hats and aired out his dome. The bad news is, in hi def it was terrifying. But he was much better than in past weeks. Of course that's like saying your phlegm is clear instead of green.

Next came That Hammy Girl I Can Never Remember:


She was yelling something or other that I'm sure sounded great when Martina sings it. Who cares? The judges liked it.

Next up is Sanjaya:


He made my skin crawl. He's getting more fey and creepy and sinister by the week. Last week when he said something about finding out where Jennifer Lopez lived and not telling her husband it literally scared me. I cannot imagine any man or woman finding this person sexually desirable. And when he said he wanted Simon to sing "Shiny Happy People" I was almost certain that while Simon did so, Sanjaya would be capering languidly with his penis tucked between his legs. People, the joke is over. Get this "thing" off my TV stat.

Then Simon and Ryan got into a little bit of a "meow" and I have to say, I was with Simon. Ryan jumped the gun a little. Simon only got two sentences out before Ryan had leapt to the stage. Also, Ryan has been sticking up for the contestants more than usual this season, which is very nice of him, but given the caliber of this year's contestants, it's time for him to stop throwing himself on that grenade.

And next, the moment I dread, Frau Farbissina herself, Lakisha:


Whenever I see her, I think of a line by Damon Runyon: there's no smile in her smile. She is the least joyful person I've ever seen. Pick up this week's Entertainment Weekly. There they all are on the cover, mugging. Not her. Look inside. They're all making fun faces. Not her. Watch her on the show. When she finishes the song and the audience is applauding. Nothing. Robot. Dead inside.

Anyway, she saves all her strength for screaming at the audience. I was praying that Jesus would take that wheel already so she'd shut up.

Next was Chris:


I don't care how well he sang. I don't care if he was friggin' Enrico Palazzo out there. What he did after the song, when he was rightly called on his nasal singing, was the most repellent, meretricious act I've ever seen. As if it weren't bad enough that he was actually trying to pull the old "I meant to do that" excuse, he immediately realized he was sinking fast, and backpedaled
using the Virginia Tech tragedy as his bicycle. He should be booted just for that. He's a prick.

Next was Lady Shrugsalot. I won't print a picture that makes fun of her because it's too cheap and easy, and besides she was pretty good. And she has all the joy that Lakisha lacks. Still, no one's gonna buy a CD from her.

Also, she stepped on one of my personal landmines. She sang a song called "Trouble is a Woman" with lines like "Trouble is a woman with a man on her mind" and "someone is gonna have to pay this time." Can you imagine if the words "woman" and "man" were reversed? Doesn't seem like anyone would be calling it "sassy."

And, finally.. oh, finally... Blake:


I sat there, gaping. I could not believe how bad this was. I thought, "Wow, Sanjaya, buy this man a Miller. He just saved your ass." With every "oooooooo-oooooo" he sealed his fate. But the judges LIKED IT?? I know they're going to get home, hear the TV mix and realize they made a horrible mistake.

The standout moment of the evening for me, though, was when I swear I heard Blake sing something about someone having a "pretty mouth." Did he really sing that?

A pretty mouth??

Hey, down in the South! Up here in the North we are trying really hard to lay off the Southern stereotypes, but you gotta meet us halfway, okay?

I just sat through an hour of songs about farms and dirt roads and bar fights and angels and Jesus and cherry cokes and running barefoot and pickup trucks and fishing poles and leaving the city behind and getting away from the city and hating the city and wanting to wash off the city and on and on and on. So it's a little weird when you keep trying to sell us on the idea that you're "modern."

But the weirdest thing of all... the weirdest thing of anything...

How is it possible that not one of those stupid cabdriver promos has made me laugh? I mean even made me smile? Everything I've ever seen has, even accidentally, made me laugh or smile at least once. Until now.

I don't even know if they're supposed to be funny! Maybe it's a psychological test. To see what kind of person would actually go to that website they're hawking.

If this is -- God help us -- a teaser for a show, I am officially not teased.


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