Saturday, May 12, 2007

Why Don't Conservatives Believe That God is Great?

At the Republican Presidential Debate the candidates were asked to raise their hand if they did not believe in Evolution. Three candidates raised their hands.

Three men running for President of the United States do not believe that Evolution is real.

And they freely admitted it. On television.

If I didn't believe in Evolution you would have to attach jumper cables to my balls and call in that guy from CTU with the little suitcase to get me to admit it, so deep would be my shame. Because to not believe in Evolution is to say, "I am so stupid, I think that things that are so are not so."

Arianna Huffington wondered on Real Time last night if they also don't believe in gravity.

What I don't understand is why they don't believe in the glory of God.

I mean God as an all loving, ever-present, all-knowing, all-powerful, omniscient Master of Time and Space, or "Whitebeard God" for short. Personally, I always believed God wasn't Whitebeard God, but rather the spirit of love and compassion and forward-paying in each of us. That He was the collective goodness in all of us. He still may be.

The only argument I've seen that a Whitebeard God really exists is Evolution. It is so beautiful, so perfect, so exquisitely crafted, that it is impossible for me to believe it simply "happened." Only a Supreme Being could have come up with such a perfect system of creating and perfecting Life.

I mean, seriously. Look at Evolution. Only Whitebeard God could have come up with something so magnificent. So impeccable.



That's a carny rap, a bedtime story. A way for men to explain what men can't explain. It's a lazy way at that. Do you really think a Whitebeard God would have to resort to doing cheap magic tricks? Snapping His fingers to create stuff? And waiting a whole day between creations? Why? For a nap?

Yeah, apparently the God of creationism is easily tired. After six days He rests. God "rests"?? Do you really think God needs a personal day???

I'm sorry, it's ridiculous to think that the men who wrote the Bible were any more capable of understanding the wonder of God than the men who wrote Greek mythology or Roman mythology or any of the other stories humans have come up with to try to explain the unexplainable before there was such a thing as "science."

Speaking of gravity, Galileo used the Leaning Tower of Pisa to prove that objects of different weights fall at the same speed. (This was before its current scientific use as the subject of comical "look-i'm pushing-it" pictures) He also said the Earth revolved around the sun, instead of the other way around. For this he got the 17th Century equivalent of a trip to Gitmo.

But he was right, of course. Because he used science, not faith. He used the brain God gave him.

That has always been the job of science. To replace the "pin the tail on the donkey" guesses of faith with the certitude that reveals the wonders of the universe. Knowing how the planets move didn't make anyone not believe in God, did it? Didn't it make God seem more wonderful? When you learn how photosynthesis works, or how cells reproduce, or about the elements of the periodic table, don't you wonder how all of this amazing, perfect stuff could have come together? Who could have come up with such a perfect system?

Isn't that more beautiful and wondrous than simply saying, "The Lord works in mysterious ways. It's not our place to question them."

People who believe in the Bible as the absolute authoritative word, IMHO, have no respect for God. The difference between science and fiction is that science is true, whereas in fiction, the hero can't be any smarter than whoever wrote the book. And whoever wrote the Bible may not have been the shiniest shekel in the sack.

According to the Bible, God made Adam and Eve, and they had two sons. And since Eve was made from Adam's rib, apparently it slipped this God's mind that you really shouldn't make a married couple with the same DNA. Is it any wonder Cain had, shall we say, issues? (Maybe He knew it didn't matter... that someday he'd kill everyone on Earth except Noah's family. Nice guy.)

And the Serpent tempted Eve, and Eve tempted Adam, and Cain slew Abel, and for all of this the supposedly omniscient God had his back turned. I've seen mall rent-a-cops who were more attentive than the Bible's vision of our Lord.

Then, apparently God realized he screwed up. That you really can't start a world with just one family, so some more people appear out of nowhere.

Three presidential candidates do not believe in Evolution, but they do believe that God turned a woman into a stack of salt and played a mean unfunny joke on Abraham and a really unfunny joke on Job and that He killed a lot of Egyptian babies who never hurt anyone. And apparently, when Moses was dying, this God was, let's face it, kind of a dick.

And then there's Jonah. Ah, Jonah. According to the Bible... the Word of God Himself, Jonah lived inside a Great Fish.

That's what it says: "Great Fish."

Because, for some reason, the God in the Bible doesn't know that a whale is a mammal, not a fish.

Remember what I said about how a hero can't be smarter than the author?

I'm not convinced there is a Whitebeard God. And Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson and the Conservative Right Wing keep trying to convince me that God is stupid and vengeful and hateful and vindictive and hates gays and immigrants and wants an estate tax cut.

But, on the other hand, Charles Darwin made a very convincing argument for the power and beauty of the Hand of God.


Russell Arch said...

I've never read anything that mirrored my own thoughts on God/religion before. Are you planning on starting a church?

Amazing writing my friend!

Michael Markowitz said...

Thank you, Russ, that's really nice of you.

I would love to start my own church. That's the way to get the good tax breaks and tail.