Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Bush Congratulates DHS, FBI on Paris Hilton Arrest

Calling Paris Hilton's incarceration a "major step forward in the War on Terror" George W. Bush congratulated the law enforcement agencies he said were intimately involved with the ongoing investigation for some time, no matter what you might have heard.

"Make no mistake. This Paris Hilton is an important terrorist operative and bin Laden deputy, and in bringing her and her cell down we have foiled a major plot to disrupt traffic flow on Los Angeles freeways." The President continued, gravely, to a now-mostly-empty Rose Garden, "Details are sketchy but one thing we do know: She was planning to kill hundreds, maybe thousands of Americans. Let's say millions. We know this. It's a fact. She was breaking the law. That's evildoing. I don't know how much clearer I can make this. She hates our freedom."

"It is precisely because of these kinds of threats that we need the War on Terror (a unit of Viacom), and why it is imperative we have tools like the Domestic Surveillance Program, the Patriot Act, and the Private Property Elimination Declaration."

Then the President nervously asked that everyone forget he said that last one. Then he was felled by a tranquilizer dart to the neck.

Vice President Cheney then took to the podium to remind all that "we have not been attacked since 9/11, so clearly we're doing something right! Therefore, we plan to continue Operation Hide Behind Human Shield, for as long as we have thousands of troops to callously toss into harm's way. For there is nothing so sacred as American property, and nothing so disposable as someone else's life."

Cheney then donned a vest made entirely of babies and left the area.


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