Thursday, June 07, 2007

Good News, America! There Are No More Laws!

Anyone who's felt unduly restrained by legal or illegal, right or wrong, all that crap, has reason to celebrate. As of today, it's official: No more laws!

We really should have known this day would come. Hell, the president got coked up and never showed up for his military service. And the first lady killed a guy.

Feel like hitting a parked car then driving away? Drinking and driving? Driving without a license while on probation? Y'know what? Jail is tough. Why don't you just crash at home for a few weeks?

Or if you're under 21, just go to clubs every night and have a hundred photographers take pictures of you having seven or eight cocktails. Then have those hundred photographers take pictures of you leaving the clubs and getting into your car and driving to the next club for a few more drinks, among other things. And then driving to the next club. You'd think that would be illegal in so many ways, but turns out it's not anymore.

Oh and you know how there are people who, for the rest of their lives, have to disclose to their neighbors that they're registered sex offenders? Some of them got that way because they were cited for indecent exposure during nude protests. If only they'd waited, because today you can get out of a car and show your vagina to every paparazzo you see and there are no consequences.

But why think small? Want to violate lobbying laws? Or violate every law governing how the Justice Department operates? Go ahead. What's the big deal?

Just because you accept money to purify drinking water for our troops doesn't mean you should have to actually do it. So what if soldiers get sick? Every day they're sick is a day they're not in combat with the substandard body armor and inferior vehicles you sold us, so it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, right?

And if you happen to find out someone is a covert CIA agent, don't keep it to yourself. There's no punishment for that anymore. (That big "CLASSIFIED" stamped on top of those papers is an in-joke, a quaint relic of another time.) Nor is there a punishment for illegal wiretaps (despite the name), unlawful detentions (despite the name), or torture.

And if someone shows you a report that someone's going to attack inside the United States, just say you never saw it. And if someone shows you a report that the "chemical weapons" plant are not any such thing, just pretend you never saw those, too. Because when it comes out that you knew all along and you lied, no one will care.

Oh, and if you lie under oath? No biggie. Even if you're caught lying three times in a single sentence, there will still be a nice pardon waiting for you. Especially if the guys you lied to protect are in the pardon business.

Oh, and I almost forgot: If you'd like to get drunk and shoot someone in the face, that's totally cool now, too.

So go for it, America! Break something, steal something, kill someone!

Obeying laws is so 9/10.


norm said...

...but, make sure you've got enough fame, money and/or infuence first.

If not, the laws are probably still in effect.

Michael Markowitz said...

It's not about fame or wealth, it's simply about the will to refuse to be punished.

Why will Scooter Libby be pardoned for lying to a grand jury... while Lil Kim did a year for it? Because Lil Kim apologized.

Why did Tommy Chong spend nine months in jail and Rush Limbaugh not one second? Because Rush declares in no uncertain terms that he is above the law, and Tommy didn't.

Bill O'Relly and a reporter ruined a judge's life with a campaign of lies. The reporter got hit with a $2 million judgment, and O'Reilly got off. Why? Maybe because O'Reilly has never once apologized or even admitted the story wasn't true.

Martha Stewart is rich and famous, but she got hit hard. Still, she stepped up. So did Sean Penn. That was their mistake.

Admit it: if you got drunk and shot someone it would never occur to you to simply not call the police. And when they did show up and asked to speak to you, would you refuse?? Cheney has to this day. And he skated.

Susan McDougall spent, what, 18 months in jail for contempt, simply because she refused to give the false testimony Starr demanded. Meanwhile, Paris was a half hour late for court! That in itself would get me three days in jail!

"Medical Reasons????"

I have no doubt that before she was let out of jail, Lazy-Eye probably was legitimately, medically inconsolably sick. But I also have no doubt that this was the first time in her adult life she went three days without even a drink. Detox is not a reason to send someone home from jail.

Particularly with absolutely no restrictions on visitors or alcohol!

Admit it: if you or I were in jail, it would never occur to us to simply demand to be let out because we don't like it there.

It's not about being rich or famous. It's about the law being like the ground under Wile E. Coyote's feet: it's there if you think it is, vanishes if you don't.

Boski93 said...

There is not a Depends undergrament that could fit all this crap we get from our "Leaders" and our "public figures". I just wanted to know when common and sense and diginty died. I would have sent flowers.

Keep up the great work.