Saturday, June 16, 2007

I Try Not to Say a Song is "Bad"

I mean, every song appeals to someone, right? Who am I to say a song is "bad" when there might be someone who loves that song? Hell, there are songs I love, but would only listen to with the car windows closed, because I know I'm the only one who likes them.

I just think it's presumptuous to declare flat-out that a song is downright bad, and I wouldn't do it under even the most extreme circumstances.

Having said that...

This week's iTunes free single, "D.A.N.C.E." by Justice, is the absolute worst piece of shit song I have ever heard. Ever.

The 30 second preview was so bad, right now my laptop should be sealed in an airtight hazmat drum. At the very least, I may have to delete all the songs on my hard drive, for fear that even one whiff of this song's crapitude might have infected all the others.

Imagine more speakers than you've ever seen in your life... like a Metallica concert plus an Anthrax concert plus a Who concert to the power of a million. Then double that number.

That's how many speakers we should use to surround Afghanistan and Iraq, so that we can play this song non-stop at top volume.

We should send word that we will only stop when Osama Bin Laden's head comes rolling out, along with the heads of every single terrorist in either country.

And once all those heads come rolling out, we should pack up... but first we should let them know if we find out they were holding out on us, we'll be back. With more speakers.

And we should make it clear to Iran, Syria, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Israel, Pakistan, and all those other countries that if we ever hear one more peep out of any of them, if so much as a stray leaf floats our way, we will come back. But this time we'll bring all the "D.A.N.C.E." remixes on the E.P.

And yeah, that includes "D.A.N.C.E. (Extended)." We're through fucking around.

And North Korea, don't think we forgot about you.


norm said...

I don't know...that's pretty harsh...

Afghanistan, yeah...but are you being fair to Iraq?

Michael Markowitz said...

LOL... true... Most Iraqis didn't really do anything to anyone. Fortunately before too long they'll all be dead or chased out of the country. That's when we turn the volume up to eleven.

Have you heard this thing? Do you forgive me?