Thursday, June 14, 2007

Worst. Commenters. Ever.

If Freedom of Speech is your religion, the internets are Mecca. Nowhere does unfettered opinion flow more freely than in the tubes you're slogging through now.

But there is one kind of speech that should be limited, or even eliminated. It should be outlawed. The people who do it should have their computers taken away forever. They should be sent to a gulag for the rest of their lives. After they die, they should be reanimated so they can serve another life sentence.

I refer, of course, to Comic Book Guys.

People who have all of the obnoxiousness of the Springfield character, with none of the charm.

As an example: I posted a video on YouTube in which Keith Olbermann is telling a story. In the course of the story, he mistakenly calls Dennis Kucinich a Republican. It is either a slip of the tongue or a slip of the script. It happens. It's live TV.

It was completely unrelated to the larger point. Someone pointed it out and that was it.

But down swooped the Comic Book Guys. As their boring, repetitious corrections came in, I deleted them. But they kept coming. They couldn't stand the idea of not being on record as having noticed this gaffe.

My favorite one, the most repulsive one, I left in:

"Note to Olbermann: Kucinich is a Democrat."

Seriously, read that to yourself in the voice of Comic Book Guy. It's hilarious. In fact, most comment threads are easily read in CBG's voice. A random, uncorrected sampling from everywhere:

"Are you male or female so I know who I am bashing?"
"Microsoft is now irrevelent and obsolete. Now that Macs can run Windows there is absolutely no reason to buy their vastly inferior product."

"Most entertainers are morons anyway. Thats why they're entertainers.

"I believe you will find all of Tivo's modifications to linux at"

"I usually don't consider 'one' as 'countless'"

"5 Million active USERS

9 Million active ACCOUNTS.

Not the same thing."

"clueless people continue to walk amoungst us!"

"those of us like me who are already sexy and cool and are immune to i.clone marketing can only watch on and smirk"

"Reason #12564 Not to buy a PS3"

"That´s what the world has been waiting for. A non pocketable cellphone with a screen that will crack faster than an old woman´s hip... goodie"

Byebye Iphone, I will stick with my treo 650 for may another year."

"Lame lame lame."

"Only 1080i...I'll pass"

"Check. Mate."

"I think the kludgy GUI speaks for itself"

"I believe ACLU now stands for Al-quaeda Civil Liberties Union" "

Derivative, derivative, derivative. Oh and did i mention its derivative?"

"Could you BE any more uninformed?"

"Another ignorant voice heard from."

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'crap'"

"If you wish to pay DTV for compressed HD at inflated prices, then by all means feel free"

"Ummm... perhaps you should tryreading a thread before you join it?"

By the way, in my informal research, the word or phrase most used by CBG's is "Ummmm..." It's an excellent way of showing disdain even before you've said anything.

Other popular CBG phrases:

"I was shocked, SHOCKED..."

"Gee whiz"

"Forgive me if..."
"but then I suppose..." "correct me if I'm wrong"

"Did you really just say..."

"oh and I guess you'd also..."


"Note to..."

"Memo to..."

"Just a reminder..."

"If you knew anything about..."

and, of course, "

...a feature the ___________ has had for years"

If anyone has any others, please post them. It's time we treated the CBG's with the same disdain they've used on us for years.


norm said...

Scary stuff.
When I drew comics I delt with a lot of those people and it was no fun at all.

There are plenty of good guys (and the occasional girl) in comics...but the "CBG's" can make your life hell.

In fact a writer friend of mine got fired and eventually blackballed from the industry, in part, because he pissed of too many fan-boys.
They mounted a huge internet geek-hate campaign and...that was it for him.

norm said...

A CBG comment I heard about, involved a friend who was doing some drawings for a role playing manual.
His art director criticized his dwarf drawings, saying, "That's not what a dwarf looks like"

...not "I don't like your interpretation" or " That's not the way the writer described them"

He just said that's not what dwarves look if the appearance of a dwarf was a solid, objective reality that was not open to interpretation.

That reminds me of the book, "A Martian Wouldn'T Say That " about absurd comments Hollywood writers have had to deal with.