Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I Can't Believe I Didn't Win Big Brother!

I really thought I had a shot.  See, when Zach described how he had played out his brilliant, master strategy, he said it involved:


1.  Not talking to anyone in the house
2.  Coasting
3.  Eating alone

Then I realized: Hey!  I've done those things, too!

But both of us lost.  I was rooting for Dick almost all along, so I was pleased.  If you really think about it, except for Carol or maybe Nick, Dick might have been the nicest person in the house.  Seriously.  Think about it.  

As always with Big Brother, the evil people don't know that they're evil.   Dustin is still trying to process the notion that America hates him.  And Amber!  Did you see her summon up all that indignation over Danielle's "immoral" behavior toward her boyfriend?

It was great.  Amber, a former meth addict who hid abortions from her boyfriend, is the arbiter of morality.

Eric swore to Jessica that the America's Player thing had nothing to do with what happened between them.  Uh, Eric?  Didn't America actually dictate your first kiss?  

Jessica will be SO pissed when she finds out (and Amber will surely be outraged).  I have a feeling that's why that moment was left out of the montage.  Eric must have begged them, on bended eyebrows, not to include it.

Speaking of Jessica, last night was fascinating.  All summer long, forced to make do without a lot of makeup and clothes, she looked so cute.  But last night she had the chance to put her Kansas trash look back on.  She went from looking like a semi-hot UCLA student to looking like someone you can bang in the Dairy Queen parking lot if you bring beer.

(I had previously predicted that Jessica's looks would break really bad in about a year.  After last night, I'm cutting that down to three months.)

And Amber, for some reason, wore a California King sheet.  If only she had been one of the dogs Michael Vick killed.

Zach is an imbecile.  You really shouldn't have more hair product than hair.

Why was there no second hour?  Survivor gets two hours for a really boring town meeting, so why did this show end just when it got interesting?  So they could show an NCIS rerun??

Forget blood diamonds, the real tragedy in this world is the amount of body glitter Julie Chen and the jurors were wearing.  Unless you've had a run-in with Auric Goldfinger, your skin should not look like that.

The only good thing about Big Brother ending is we'll never again have to hear Julie say, "Eric is working for yooooooooo, America."

Jameka and Amber still believe they were in the LNC alliance.  They went to the first meeting, then never showed up again!  They're like the Rudy Giuilianis of the house.

I still want someone to explain to me what happened after Amber's big anti-Eric blow-up. The chain of events has a big hole:

Dick warned everyone that Eric and Dustin were liars.  Amber found out it was true: Eric had betrayed her.  Dustin promised to vote Eric out.  Next thing we saw was Dustin betrayed Amber, kept Eric, Dick was proven right... and still everyone hated Dick and loved Eric and Dustin.  Why?   What did we miss?  I gots to know.

Jen, you moron.  It is not possible to grab a lit cigarette from someone's hand without burning your hand.  And it's not the smoker's fault.  


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