Friday, February 02, 2007

They Could Easily Be Related

Remember when I seethed about the woman in that that tax preparation commercial? The one who taunts her husband for using "a box" to do their taxes?

Well she has company. Loathsome, passive-aggressive company.

There's a department store appliance ad that shows a woman slamming her mug into a refrigerator door where the ice maker would be. She does it over and over again until the poor schmo she's married to promises to buy a new refrigerator. (Apparently her legs and fingers are broken, so she can't do it.)

But the most obnoxious woman on TV might be the one in the commercials below. And for anyone who denies that pop culture is slanted against men, take a look at these ads. With the pretty homemaker, Fitness Bitch is encouraging and paints a positive portrait of her results. The man, on the other hand, is literally passed out on the floor in a pile of party trash, and she berates him and humiliates him. Nice.

We all know the proper response would have been to draw a penis on his cheek and then take a picture. Actually, that would have worked with the housewife too, but that's me.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Is It My Imagination, Or Is There Something Different About Dominique Swain?

Hummala hummala how wah! Light of my life, fire of my loins! And vive le difference!

If this transformation occurred without "assistance", then I believe we have proof that, despite global warming, Mother Nature doesn't
completely hate us.









It's a Perfectly Cromulent Iraq Policy

"Out of chaos in Iraq would emerge an emboldened enemy"

           -- George W. Bush, State of the Union, 1/23/07

" Iran already emboldened by diplomatic success seeking a nuclear weapon..."

           -- Steve Hadley, NSC, Briefing, 1/23/07

"[Jaimita Haskell's documentary] emboldened students and parents in her school..."

           -- Laura Bush, Awards Presentation, 1/22/07

"...our enemies will be emboldened and more lethal..."

           -- Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino,
             Briefing, 1/19/07

"That would only embolden our enemies...

           -- Condoleeza Rice, Briefing, 1/11/07

"There's nothing that won't embolden these people! They're so emboldenable!"

           -- Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, 1/31/07

"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man."

           -- Springfield City Motto,
             attr. to Jebediah Springfield, c. 1796

We're Fighting Them Over There So They Can Learn New Ways to Fight Us Here

"Retreating from Iraq would embolden the terrorists, and make our country, our friends, and our allies more vulnerable to new attacks."

       -- George W. Bush, Radio Address, 10/21/06

"Nine arrested over 'Iraq-style' kidnap plot in Britain... a 'sort of terrorism that has never been seen in the UK before'."

       -- The Sydney Morning Herald, 1/31/07

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Person Who Most Needs to be Hit In the Face With a Shovel

If you've been watching the new season of Beauty and the Geek, you know I'm talking about snotty, obnoxious, spoiled, vindictive, vain, tacky, stupid uber-skank Cecille. She is the poor man's version of the skid row version of the dumpster version of Paris Hilton... but with Ann Coulter's charm. If you've seen the show, you can back me up on this.

If, on the other hand, you haven't been watching, don't. This mall-trash termagant will make your skin crawl, and I don't want that to happen to you. Take my word for it, she is vile. If anyone reading this works in a level-4 lab and has access to the odd vial of ebola or Lassa fever... well, you know what to do. (tip: If you put the virus in a really cheap perfume bottle, you can rest assured she'll drench herself in it.)

I ordinarily enjoy Beauty and the Geek, In the past it's been both fun and moving. But this season has been a disappointment. The joy of the show is discovering the sweetness beneath the hotness, and the coolness beneath the geekiness.

But this seasons "beauties" are anything but. Depending on what coast you live on, they are either "L.A. Sixes" or "Butterfaces." Not to mention they abuse the privilege of being morons. (Actual quote when told they'll be working with tools: "What are tools?") The most notable exception was the likable and cute Andrea, who was treated like dirt by the others as a result.

As for the men, they're much better catches than the women. They're affable, kind, gentle guys. The makeovers weren't as radical as in previous seasons, because the men didn't look so bad to begin with.

One more note:

Tonight's show had scenes of Cecille manhandling a chihuahua. When asked not to be so rough with the little dog (and not to jam the poor thing's head through some cheap bracelets) she protested (snottily, of course) that she had a lot of experience with chihuahuas. She then exclaimed, "Chihuahuas are tough."

Rule of thumb: If a dog visibly trembles, chances are it's not "tough."

Second, if you ever have the pleasure of holding a chihuahua, please do not treat it roughly. Their necks are fragile (obviously, don't jam bracelets over their heads), and some have a condition that makes them the canine version of Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable. Even a fall from a bed can result in trauma, broken bones or even death.

This fragility, along with their aversion to strangers, makes carrying them around in your handbag while you're club-hopping seem pretty idiotic. These are loving, loyal animals... not accessories.

It would have been nice if the show had run a disclaimer or PSA letting younger viewers -- or, for that matter, 27-year-old skanks -- know that the way this dog was abused was wrong.

(And I haven't even mentioned Cecille's snotty, derisive comments about a sweet bulldog. Anyone who can hate on a bulldog is not okay in my book.)

I Definitely Need to Start Watching Football

Please welcome Heather Rothstein, whose FCC-defying shirt made it onto Fox's football coverage. Attending Northwestern during what was the NCAA's longest losing streak soured me on football. Clearly, a reassessment is in order.

What Is The Magic Number?

Unless you've been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with your fingers in your ears (to quote Sideshow Cecil), you know that somewhere between 65% and 75% of Americans think the war was a mistake and/or that we need to get out. And at the bottom of this post are some other interesting results from polling over the past year.

Yet Bush and his minions repeatedly say that calling for the redeployment of our troops, or even criticizing the President, "gives aid and comfort to our enemies" or some similar phrase.

Putting aside the unbearable imperiousness, there lingers another question: If 70% of Americans and 82% of Iraqis want America out of Iraq, isn't Bush technically the "enemy"?

And why is there even a question of whether Congress will exercise its Constitutional right to end this war? And is Bush refuses to obey, why shouldn't he be arrested for treason?

If the President decided one day to invade, say, Canada, I'll wager at least 90% of Americans would disapprove, to put it mildly. If, on some whim, he decided to invade Guam or West Virginia or Rhode Island, that number easily goes to 95%. Wouldn't we be calling for his impeachment?

And what if Connecticut, seeing how crazy we went in Rhode Island, decided to stockpile weapons? What if Bush then decided to attack the State House in Hartford, in order to provoke Connecticut into a war -- as he did with the Iranian Consulate last week -- wouldn't we be calling for his arrest?

What if he authorized the murder of anyone from Connecticut who's in Rhode Island without a satisfactory explanation?

(Farfetched? Last week Bush authorized American troops to "kill or capture" any Iranian intelligence agents they find in Iraq... because as all know, we're the only ones allowed to have intelligence agents in Iraq. This on the eve of the holy day of Ashura, when thousands of Iranians make pilgrimages to Iraq. Let's hope our troops include genetic mutants from Heroes who have the psychic ability to tell "good Iranians" from "bad Iranians.")

But back to Operation Nutmeg Storm.

I'll bet if he did all that 100% of Americans would disapprove. No one would support him except for Laura and Barney, and we know for a fact that if that were so he would still fight on.

Would we put up with that? There would be rioting in the streets until his head was popped onto a pike.


At 70% is "Hey, nothing we can do, he's the Decider."

And at 100% is "Jesus, this psycho has to be stopped!"

So somewhere between 70 and 100 is the magic number, the tipping point. Somewhere in there is the line between irked and outrage.

To my mind, that seems like an awfully small span in which to make such a huge emotional transition. But if that's the way it is, can someone please tell us exactly what the magic number is? How unpopular does this man and his war have to be before we stop him?

There's a word for a leader who "stays the course" even if no one in the country agrees. That word is "dictator." Read the post below this one and you'll see: Bush thinks he's our king.

Why are we acting as if we think so too?

67% said Bush's decisions about Iraq are "influenced more by his personal beliefs, regardless of the facts."

58% said they "personally wish that George W. Bush's presidency was over."


53% said they don't think Bush is "honest and trustworthy."

61% don't think he "inspires confidence."

60%, when asked how they feel about the Bush Administration, chose "dissatisfied" or "angry."
(Associated Press-Ipsos)

61% said that, under Bush, "the country is not better off and needs to move in a new direction
(Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg)

58% said he "does not share [their] values."

61% said he "does not care about the needs of people like [them]."

62% don't think he "can manage the government effectively."
(USA Today/Gallup)

73% feel big business has "too much influence over the decisions made by the Bush Administration."
(CNN/USA Today/Gallup)

With a Stroke of his Pen

Yesterday George W. Bush actually signed an executive order requiring all Federal agencies and departments to be overseen by a presidential appointee.


So, for example, no consumer protection or food safety or environmental action can be taken without approval by someone the President appoints.

This from the White House whose previous appointees include Karl Rove, Lewis Libby, Michael Chertoff, Harriet Meiers, and Brownie. This from a president whose top domestic policy advisor took time out from his duties last year to go to Target for some felony shoplifting.

From a president who almost appointed Kenneth Lay as Secretary of the Treasury.

From a president who appointed an oil executive to censor scientific research on global warming.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: WTF??

Something Stupid on The Factor?? Get OUT!

If you've ever seen the bizarre "Body Language" segments on The O'Reilly Factor, then surely your eyes hurt from rolling as much as mine.

If you haven't seen it, Bill-O and an "expert" "analyze" the body language in news footage. Now I believe body language is as scientifically legitimate as chiropractics; however, both can be practiced by knuckleheads. When the analysis is almost always harder on Democrats than Republicans, my knucklehead meter goes into the red zone.

But last night they outdid themselves while scrutinizing, among other things, the State of the Union Address. They noted that Barack Obama was looking down throughout the speech: "He's not holding his head up, which would be boredom. He's thinking about what was being said." Also his holding his finger to the side of his head was a "contemplative gesture."

Next to Obama was Ted Kennedy, also looking down, but holding his hand to his ear ("evaluative") then adjusting his glasses, then holding his hand to the side of his head ("an imaginary headache... an overwhelming feeling he's not feeling like he's enjoying this now").

Unfortunately, eyewitnesses report that both men were, in fact, just reading along with the speech.

This is apparent to anyone who watches the footage. (One tip-off, aside from the glasses adjustment? Senator Kennedy's scrutinized hand was holding a pen!) Both men supported their heads from time to time as does anyone reading for a long time.

On the other hand, John McCain"s looking down? "He's actually awake, just looking down, perhaps looking at his notes." To O'Reilly's credit, he didn't buy this at all, but the "expert" persisted, noting that he was moving his head and mouth.

Yeah, you're right. No one who nods off ever moves his head and mouth. I leave it to you to watch the clip and decide for yourself if this is anything from ZZZZZZ.