Thursday, May 17, 2007

Can Two Weeks Be a Golden Age?

The Office and Lost have, IMHO, been great lately, but shows like those and Heroes and Idol get all the glory. There's another level of TV shows, the next tier down. Great shows that are like UPS: they aren't flashy, but they deliver.

Several of these shows have, in the last two weeks, offered what I think are outstanding hours of television. Seriously, I think they were among the finest shows of the year, and if you didn't get to see them, catch them in reruns or on iTunes or wherever you can.

Shark is a solid, entertaining, unspectacular show redeemed by some great acting. But last week's episode, "Wayne's World 2" was so far above what television usually offers, everyone involved should be remembered come Emmy time.

Law & Order did the Walter Reed scandal, and the final courtroom scene was incredibly moving. If only Jack McCoy could take on our real-life villains.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent, the forgotten child of the franchise, had a gripping episode this week called "Endgame" with Roy Scheider as a serial killer. The gifted cast was even better than usual.

ER has been tough to love lately. Often I find I can't even remember who's doing what from week to week. But I watch anyway, and now it's paid off. The last two episodes have been extraordinary. They are a complete return to form for the show, and the addition of Stanley Tucci is a great shot in the arm.

CSI:NY, which I and apparently only I think is the best of the CSI's, sure cemented the case this week with "Snow Day." Without compromising the characters they threw the CSI format out the window and did a sort of Assault on Precinct 13 or Rio Bravo (with a splash of Die Hard).

Criminal Minds had an outstanding and terrifying episode ("Legacy") that had more Saw trilogy influence in it than you'd expect from a TV show.

The problem with all these good episodes is I'm hungry for more... Keep it up!

What Makes Someone an Expert?

There is an actor who has had three shitty, quickly-canceled TV shows in the last three years. If he were to give a class at the Learning Annex on "How to Have a Hit TV Series" you'd probably laugh your ass off.

If O.J Simpson claimed to be an "authority" on "Creating a Positive Public Image" you'd think it was preposterous.

And if, after two short-lived marriages, Britney Spears wrote a book called "I Know Better Than You How To Make Marriage Work" wouldn't she become a national joke?

Of course. Obviously.

Why then is Rudy Giuliani a "terrorism expert"?

Why does he presume to lecture us on "how to prevent terrorism"? Why has the press accepted the premise that he's the candidate who's "strong on terrorism"?

This is the only politician outside the present administration about whom it can be said he is supremely unqualified to deal with terrorism. He is the only outside politician with an actual record on terrorism, and an abysmal one at that.

The World Trade Center, in Mayor Giuliani's New York, was attacked in 1993. In the eight years that followed he did nothing. No communication upgrades. No infrastructure upgrades. No evacuation plans. Didn't move the command center.

And when the same group attacked Mayor Giuliani's New York again in 2001, where did they "sneak up" on him? The same target! Who'da thunk it?

And after the attack, when Mayor Giuliani was wandering the streets (because, as Richard Belzer pointed out, thanks to his shortsightedness "he had no fucking office") he actually said, "Thank God George Bush is our president."

He thanked God for the "My Pet Goat" guy.

Then he sent the first responders in without the right protective equipment. He told them it was safe when it wasn't. That's why the first responders are suffering the crippling, life-threatening health problems they are today. (If the Firefighters Union doesn't think Rudy's Mr. 9/11, why does the public?)

Then, in his rush to bulldoze the Ground Zero site -- Why? So it could sit empty all these years? -- he called off the search operation before it was done. That's how the remains of victims and heroes ended up in landfills.

That's how the remains of victims and heroes ended up being used to fill potholes.

A man who saw the World Trade Center attacked, and did nothing in the eight ensuing years to keep it from happening again? The man who was obligingly standing with the apple on his head when both arrows were fired? This is our anti-terrorism expert?

That's as believable as a National Guard deserter being seen as stronger on national defense than a Vietnam War hero.

Considering This Was Jordin's Reaction to Children Following Her Down a Hall, "Pop Star" Was a Super Healthy Career Choice

America, What Have You Done?

There are no words to describe this week's American Idol gorefests, so here is the week in pictures:

Admit it, Homer is the most interesting personality who's been on the show all year.

Ugh, please, don't remind me.

Jordin, you gotta stop hittin' that snooze button.

It's a shame this actress didn't overact just 5% more. Her performance would have been visible from space.

It might have been a mistake for Melinda to let her Japanese cousin sing one of her songs last night. I really think so.

Jordin prepares for her inevitable future career, either as a Merry Maid or in porn.

Heyyyy, Mister Kot-tayr!

Melinda was surprised by the news, but took it like a champ.

That's right, America. These are your top two. These two. Them. Seriously.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Slutty Commercial? Or Am I Missing Something?

There is a commercial running now, and I honestly cannot figure out what's going on in it. I think I know. I think I'm right. But I can't be right. Can I? So I'm asking you.

In this commercial -- I think it's for Clairol -- a very beautiful woman goes into a women's room, turning the W upside down so it looks like an M. The announcer asks what kind of stuff you could get away with if you used this hair color.

Then a guy walks in, surprised to find a hot woman in there. She smiles (or something resembling a smile)

Then we see him stagger out, winded. Then hot girl walks out, hair still perfect (and face oddly expressionless) and turns the M back to a W.

So as near as I can figure, insanely hot girl went into a ladies' room, made it look like a men's room, and blew the first guy who walked in. (If they'd had any other kind of sex, her hair would have been mussed, too, no?)

And somehow, there's the implication that she would not have been able to do this if she had used any other hair color. we all know that when it comes to surprise supermodel blow jobs, guys are very choosy when it comes to hair color.

The only variant to the above comes from the expressionless face: perhaps she's a pleasure droid. She is programmed to give pleasure. And to color her hair?

In either case, this seems like a very strange commercial, doesn't it? I mean, I could see if this were a beer ad. But a hair color ad??

Do women really want to color their hair so they'll look better on their knees in a bathroom with a random stranger? And if so, where is this bathroom? Exactly? Like on a Google Map or something?

Seriously, is there an interpretation I'm not getting here?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Hasselbeck to Build Town Out of Hamburger

New York, NY -- Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View co-host and sperm receptacle, has outlined her vision for a planned community, with homes and commercial structures built entirely out of hamburger. The announcement comes on the heels of Hasselbeck's announcement on yesterday's The View that "steel weakens" at a temperature of 270 degrees.

"Tim was barbecuing for me and some of his football friends last night, and I was practicing my times tables, and suddenly it hit me. Steel gets softer when it gets hot, but hamburger actually gets harder. It's like some kind of miracle thing, and it's been right under our nose things all this time! And it's not just hamburger... It's meat loaf, too!"

While investors are still being sought, Hasselbeck plans to locate the town in Florida. "I even have a name picked out! Hasselbeckistan! Either that or Nine-Eleven-ville."

President Bush will give Ms. Hasselbeck the Presidential Medal of Freedom at a ceremony tomorrow night.

Puny Humans! Behold The BloomBot!

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has been quietly replaced by an advanced cyber-humanoid known only as The BloomBot. They taught him how to govern... but they forgot to teach him how to love.

Monday, May 14, 2007

I May Not Necessarily Believe in 9/11 Conspiracies, But I Know an Imbecile When I See One

On The View this morning, Elisabeth was arguing with Rosie (what else is new?) and was doing so despite the fact that she didn't know what she was talking about (again, what else is new?).

Fed up with Rosie's frequent suspicions about the steel in the WTC melting, Elisabeth said, firmly, "Steel weakens at 270 degrees." Rosie told her that it doesn't. Elisabeth banged her tiny fist on the table and said, louder, "No, it's true!
Steel weakens at 270 degrees!"

I would love to hit her over the head with a frying pan. After it had been "weakened" by 270 degree heat, of course.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

"For the Love of God, Will Someone Please Get Senator McCain His Maalox!"

As Marge Simpson Would Say, "Look at the Foilage!"

Inspired by gina's blog -- as her readers often are -- I decided to share some pictures of some of my flowers that bloomed this week. If you like such things, enjoy.

And for you ladies out there, for the record, don't let the flowers mislead you:

I may be sensitive and tender, but I'm also a hardboiled, no-nonsense, tough-as-nails man's man. For example, I don't use ordinary fertilizer on my roses... I use gunpowder and Taliban blood.