Thursday, September 06, 2007

Dish... Drawer... Dish... Drawer... Dish... Drawer...

There's a dishawasher commercial that baffles me. I'm not married, so I'm going to throw this one out to you experts:

Ladies, if you were emptying the dishwasher, and your husband was sitting on his easy chair, watching you and murmuring a bored narration...

Would you:

(A) hit him upside the head with a frying pan?

(B) make him sleep in the garage for at least six months?

(C) Both?

The Other Big Brother Antisemite



The worst antisemite I ever knew was a Jew I used to work with. He constantly made loathsome slurs against Jews, absolutely unconcerned that he was offending most of the Jews and Gentiles in the room.

In the same office there was a guy who complained that when he was a kid he was beaten up constantly. He assumed it was because he was the only Jew in his Ohio town. I have news for him: this prick would have been beaten up if he grew up in Tel Aviv. The reasons you would want to kick in his face have nothing to do with Judaism.

Now, on to Big Brother. Here's a
very typical quote from Eric:

"I have no game whatsoever. I'm just a 5'7" Jewish kid."

Who's worse? Amber, a gentile who badmouths Jews with the most vile stereotypes? Or Eric, a Jew who constantly uses the word "Jewish" as synonymous with "loser" or "lame."

Admittedly, Eric has no game. So stipulated, Your Honor. He also has no athletic ability, charm or coordination.

He always reminds us not to expect much of him because he's 5'7" and Jewish. Instead he should remind us not to expect much of him because he's a twitchy imbecile and a slimy nerd. With scary eyebrows. And nipple rings that look less like a "statement" than a way to hang him up in your laundry room.

Actually, Eric looks like someone tried to xerox Chuck Nice, but the talent, looks, brains and charm got lost because there was no toner. And by the way, Eric? Chuck
is black, but unlike you he doesn't insist on doing "ghetto gestures" with the back of his hands, as if he were a grade-Z Jay-Z poseur.

Still, as much as I hate Eric, I feel obliged to warn him about Jessica: run away. Get away from this girl as fast as you can. I mean it.

The only reason she's with you is because of her pathetic lack of self-esteem. The hair, the makeup, the outfits? Red alert. Also it's not a good sign when a woman adopts a phony voice she thinks is "cute" and "sexy." If only she knew that her voice is less Betty Boop than Droopy Dog. With a pinch of Truman Capote.

Also, I know you love the feel of her chesticles against your drawer-pulls, Eric, but take a really good look at her. She is perhaps one or two years from breaking really bad in the looks department. Seriously. At this point he makeup is doing all the heavy lifting.

And that passive-agressive way she's been treating you ever since you screwed up her game? You know, the way she got mad at you for blaming yourself? Only to drop little snide-bombs about how you screwed up? That's your future with her, my friend. Marry her and you'll spend the rest of your life apologizing through locked bathroom doors.

Eric is the kind of person who tells a joke, laughs, then drops the smile when no one's looking and furtively looks around to see if people liked his joke. He seems to have the nagging feeling that when his back is turned everyone is glaring at him. Jessica is the kind of person who stops laughing when his back is turned and glares at him. It's a recipe for disaster.

On second thought, Eric, marry her. You deserve each other.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Print and Save This Post

Sunday on Meet the Press, the plastic thing that used to be Mary Matalin complained that when Democrats' personal lives differ from their public stances it's okay, while when Republicans do it they're "hypocrites."

Several more right wing puppets said similar things this weekend. The thrust seemed to be that just because someone says one thing and does another it doesn't make him a hypocrite. That legislators should be permitted to advocate policies even if they're not "perfect" on them.

Okay...

I could point out that Democrats don't call Democrats hypocrites because the very spine of the Democratic party is tolerance. That Democrats don't hold themselves up as perfection the way Republicans do. Republicans are deserving of judgment because they themselves are so judgmental.

But instead I'll just print this post and save it.

The next time some Republican asshole criticizes John Edwards for getting an expensive haircut or living in a big house... or feels that Al Gore flying in a private jet is smirk-worthy... while ignoring Republicans' big houses and expensive haircuts and private jets (without offsets)...

I'll know them for what they are: hypocrites. And to be a hypocrite on the actual subject of hypocrisy is probably the surest sign that you are a moron or a crook.