Tuesday, October 23, 2007

If I Were a Defense Attorney...

... this would be a Golden Age.

Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face, then waited 24 hours to report it (presumably so his blood alcohol could level out), then refused to speak to the police. I've pointed out that this seems to present a fantastic precedent for everyone accused of, say, killing someone while driving drunk. Just stash the body in the trunk, wait a day or two, then have a friend call the police while you go on vacation.

Now comes another groundbreaking legal precedent, courtesy of the right wing.

Every time someone accuses Bush of lying our troops into a folly of a war, and callously sending them off to die for nothing, the conversation is shut down by someone's "outrage" over this "insult to our troops."

And this idiotic argument works! It's even kept Congress from defunding the war!

So here's my advice to lawyers:

The next time you're defending a very guilty con artist or holdup man, and the prosecution opens by detailing your client's heartless crime committed against, say, an elderly couple...

... instead of offering an opening argument, simply rise and say, "I don't know about you people but I love and respect our senior citizens, particularly this loving and decent couple. And I am not going to stand around and let the prosecution characterize them as 'dupes' or 'victims' or worse! What kind of message does that send to our seniors?! You can all stay if you want to, but my client and I are leaving!"

And then walk out. Seriously, what are they gonna do to you? The law only has whatever power you give it. That's the Bush Administration credo.

Remember: if you commit a crime, respecting the authority of the law is the worst thing you can do. It's why Marion Jones will likely go to prison for the exact same crime Scooter Libby skated on. Her mistake was apologizing.

Monday, October 22, 2007

"What have you done to its eyes?!"
"He has his father's eyes."

Speaking of Herbert from Family Guy, if he has a blow-up doll it probably looks like this. That can't be the effect McDonalds was going for, but they achieved it. Then again, they probably didn't mean to give me screaming nightmares for the rest of my life, either, but they did that, too.