Friday, December 19, 2008

Crouching Squirrel, Hidden Nuts

Vote for 2008's best photograph at TODAYshow.com. Below are just a few of the other contenders. I personally voted for the kids at the Obama rally. Those faces say it all.






Friday, November 07, 2008

The Coolest Guy in the World

Sure, it's easy to look at this still from Executive Decision (one of my guiltiest and most pleasurable "guilty pleasure" movies) and just see a knuckleheaded extra, or a film flub... but when I look at it?

I see the Most Together Dude in Film History.

Think of it: the plane has been hijacked by crazed terrorists with machine guns and bioweapons. They're executing folks right and left.

But this guy? He's still enjoying the in-flight entertainment.

You, sir, are The Man.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Stark Raving Mad Libs: You Can Talk Like Joe Scarborough!

With Election Day almost here, it's time to look back... back at the horse's ass we call Joe Scarborough. If Halloween dress-up left you wanting more, why not spend Election Day pretending to be Joe? It will really liven up your returns-watching party, and even better, may drown out the real Joe on MSNBC.

It's actually easy to talk like Joe Scarborough. All you have to do is follow the template below. Just fill every blank with one of the choices that follow it. The key is to always use three examples where one is enough. Or actually one is too many. (Joe's an imbecile.)

Of course, it helps if you can nail the distinctive Joe Scarborough accent, which sounds kinda like if Mayberry had a village idiot, who was also really, really snooty, as well as incredibly gay. Just think haughty hillbilly homosexual and you're good. Oh and mention as often as possible that you were in Congress, without mentioning the sordid circumstances that made you "not in Congress."

(It also helps if you have a terrifyingly huge head and a frighteningly teeny-tiny mouth, but that kind of genetic foul-up comes once in a generation. I hope.)

And if you have a friend who can play Mika, all the better: Just tell her to squeal and coo one of these phrases every four or five seconds, regardless of whether someone else is talking:

Uh huh

Yep
Yes
Right
Amazing
But--?

I think they--
What I was trying--
Yeah
Okay
Ooo-kay

Hoo-kay
That's just wrong
See...

See, now--
Oh no...
True
Very true

Isn't--?

I know your friend will feel like she's making an ass of herself, but that's the point. That's what makes it so very Mika. And by the way, extra points if she nails my two least-favorite Mika-isms: speaking too soon after clips so she stomps on them, and beginning nearly every single show with the word "Hooo-kayyyy"

So anyway, be like Joe: Just read the following -- agonizingly slowly and patronizingly -- and you're good to go... or is it "good to Joe"? Heh heh...

And don't worry if it doesn't make any sense. Joe doesn't.

Here goes:


I'll tell you what, you can ____________, you can ____________, you can ____________

a. disagree with me if you like
b. laugh all you like

c. tell yourself whatever you have to to sleep at night

d. make snide comments with your liberal friends
e. roll your eyes

f. rely on polls

g. read New York Times editorials

h. read Maureen Dowd

i. Say, "oh, right, whatever"

j. laugh over lunch at Le Cirque

and I know this isn't what you hear ____________ or ____________ or ____________

a. on the upper west side of New York City
b. on the west side of Los Angeles

c. from the Georgetown crowd

d. from the lunch crowd at Le Cirque

e. in the New York Times

f. in Maureen Dowd's column
g. in Kathleen Parker's column
h. in San Francisco
i. from the chattering class
j. from Charlie Gibson, with his glasses on the end of his nose
k. from the liberal media

l. on the editorial page of the new York Times

m. from your liberal Hollywood friends
n. at cocktail parties in Georgetown
o. at cocktail parties on the upper West Side
p. from Bill Maher
q. at Le Cirque


but they ______________

a. have no idea about
b. have absolutely no idea about

c. are clueless about

d. are completely clueless about

e. are totally out of step about

f. are totally out of sync about

g. look down their noses at


____________ and ____________ and ____________

a. the concerns
b. the challenges

c. the hardships
d. the values

e. what is on the minds
f. what is in the hearts


of ______________, ______________, ______________

a. average
b. real

c. true
d. the majority of
e. conservative
f. working
g. ordinary

h. evangelical


Americans. And if you think I'm _________, if you think I'm ___________, if you think I'm ____________

a. wrong
b. mistaken

c. exaggerating

d. kidding

e. quaint

f. hysterical

g. uninformed

h. out of step


then you are ____________

a. wrong
b. dead wrong

c. fooling yourself

d. mistaken
e. destined to forever fail to understand America

because someone like ____________ or ____________ or ____________

a. Barack Obama
b. Nancy Pelosi

c. Harry Reid

d. Rosie O'Donnell

e. Maureen Dowd
f. the mainstream media

g. the liberal media
h. the New York Times

i. Hollywood types
j.
Charlie Gibson, with his glasses on the end of his nose
k. Air America


has/have no idea what people in ____________ or ____________ or ____________

a. red states
b. Pennsylvania

c. Western Pennsylvania
d. blue-collar Pennsylvania

e. Michigan
f. Alabama
g. Florida
h. Pensacola
i. the Redneck Riviera
j. the vast majority of America

think. Because when I talk to ____________

a. Americans
b. average Americans
c. real Americans
d. voters

e. average voters
f. Republicans

g. Evangelicals

h. conservative Christians

i. conservative, Republican, Evangelical, Christian voters
j. Americans who don't read Maureen Dowd

you can bet that ____________ and ____________ and ____________

a. comments about bitterness
b. comments about redistributing the wealth

c. comments about taxes being patriotic

d. making fun of Joe the Plumber

e. raising taxes

f. hanging out with Reverend Wright
g. hanging out with Bill Ayers
h. hanging out with President Clinton

i. hanging out with Nancy Pelosi
j. hanging out with Harry Reid

k. sucking up to the Hollywood crowd

l. Michelle Obama's lack of pride in her country

m. Michelle Obama's seeming anger at the country that has served her well
n. Barack Obama's foreign-sounding name and Harvard demeanor
o. someone like Al Franken

is/are seen as ____________ and ____________ and ____________

a. demeaning
b. outside the mainstream of American values

c. condescending
d. insulting
e. smug

f. smug and condescending

g. wrong
h. just plain wrong

i. flat out wrong


And by the way, when ____________ and ____________ and ____________

a. the New York Times
b. the Washington Post

c. NPR or PBS

d. the mainstream media

e. the liberal media

f. the Obama campaign

g. Barack Obama

h. Nancy Pelosi

i. Hollywood types
j. the ladies of The View
k. Maureen Dowd

say/says things like
____________

[Just read and/or make up something. Doesn't matter what. Seriously, Joe does this rap after, like, weather reports, for Christ's sake.]

I have to wonder if they said the same thing when ____________

a. I and my fellow Congressional Republicans
b. Ronald Reagan
c. President Ronald Reagan
c. Newt Gingrich
d. Bob Dole

e. John McCain
f. Ronald Reagan and Newt Gingrich
g. Sean Hannity

was/were doing the exact same thing. I really, really ____________

a. doubt it

b. really doubt it
c. highly doubt it.
d. don't think so

e. would be surprised, to be sure.

I really do. But what do I know? I'm just ____________

a. a Redneck
b. a former Congressman

c. a Redneck lawyer

d. a caveman lawyer

e. someone who actually talks to Americans, unlike Maureen Dowd.


But let's talk to ____________

a. Mike Huckabee
b. Pat Buchanan
c. Mike Barnacle

d. Mitt Romney
e. Peggy Noonan
f. Charlie Crist

and let them tell you what I have been saying ____________

a. since I was running for Congress

b. since I was in Congress

c. since this campaign began
d. since before this campaign began

e. for the better part of the last two years
f. for months
g. all morning

And we'll do that after this break.

[For maximum effect, repeat variations on the above for three hours every morning.]


former Congressman and current imbecile Joe Scarborough

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Joe the Plumber: Not a Licensed Plumber, Wouldn't Get a Tax Increase, and is Actually Notso Hotso on Tax-Paying

Apparently the McCain campaign vetted Joe the Plumber as thoroughly as they did Sarah Palin.

From the Washington Post:

"Joe the Plumber is not exactly a plumber, he's 'not even close' to making the kind of money that would result in higher taxes from Democrat Barack Obama's proposals and has such an aversion to taxes that a lien was filed against him by the state of Ohio."


Joe the Plumber ponders whether he's more deadbeat
than dumbshit, or vice versa. (Lori King/Toledo Blade)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

If Anyone Out There Knows Bob Schieffer, Please Make Sure He Gets This?


I have something really important to ask Bob Schieffer. I don't know how to reach Mr. Schieffer directly, so I'm going to just throw this arrow in the air and hope it comes to Earth in his view.

At tomorrow's debate, Mr. Schieffer, please, please don't ask about William Ayres.

And don't ask "around" him, either. By that I mean, don't ask those hacky journalist questions like, "You've been critical of Senator Obama, drawing attention to what you call his past association with Mr. Ayres. Do you think that kind of thing is important to voters?" Or the Couric-esque, "What would you say to those who criticize you..."

Please. Don't do it. And not just because they're creampuff questions that are beneath a journalist with your astounding talent and experience. And not just because it'll only provoke six or seven minutes of blather that is completely unimportant and demeaning to us all.

Don't ask the question because:

If John McCain wants to track this filth into the debate, make him do it himself.

If you ask about it, it will just give him political cover. He'll go around saying, "Hey, I wasn't going to bring it up, but Bob Schieffer asked me about it."

Please, I'm begging you. Avoid any question that could remotely lead to hauling out the Ayres smear. If McCain truly thinks Barack Obama pals around with terrorists, he will be honorbound to confront him on it. Perhaps he could turn his evidence over to the Justice Department (along with his secret plan for catching Osama bin Laden. Unless he's keeping that to himself unless elected, in which case he's a traitorous scumbag.)

If he doesn't bring it up, he will prove the last two weeks were just bullshit, red meat and pitchforks.

And if he does bring it up? He'll be the one responsible for it. He's disavowed pretty much everything done on his behalf for the last six months. Enough. Make John McCain own his own campaign's tactics, once and for all. Please.

One more thing: Please do what Tom Brokaw and Gwen Ifill and Jim Lehrer refused to. Please ask follow-up questions. As many as necessary, whenever you detect the foul odor of mendacity.

For example, whenever Sarah Palin is asked about Friday's report, the astounding thing is not that she claims it cleared her. The astounding thing is that no journalist flat-out says to her, "That's a lie. It's the exact opposite of the truth."

Why not?

Don't let them get away with it. Please.

The Perfect Gift for Someone Who Likes to Feel Screwed With

Either give me two batteries or give me none. But one??? That's just mean.


Friday, October 03, 2008

Today's News Wasn't All Bad: G4 Now Has More Layla Kayleigh


Always a good thing. Now if only there were more Anna David, it would be perfect.




What I Thought Of While Watching Sarah Palin Debate

I thought of Elia Kazan's "A Face in the Crowd" with Andy Griffith as a cynical drifter whose faux-homespun folksiness makes him a TV sensation and a political kingmaker. That and Dana Carvey's Church Lady.

I keep hearing how "we all know someone like her." It's true. She's that annoying woman from your block or your church or the PTA who makes you shudder whenever she corners you. The one who says things like, "Jeepers, I know your lawn isn't important to you, but by golly the rest of us have to look at it and we just wish you took better care of it!" Or "Nobody likes volunteering for the bake sale, but doggone it, we have to! Unless you don't care about whether the church gets renovated..."

Yeah, we all know people like her. And we hate them.

Look at the people you really do drink beer with. And trust to teach your children. And prepare your will. And do your electrical work. Real people talk like Joe Biden. Not like Huckleberry Palin, who's cynically slathering on the rube juice because she thinks you'll buy it.

Read a transcript of the debate, people. Everything she said was either complete gibberish or an absolute lie. (And she did it in insane, run-on sentences.)

And she wants to expand the power of the Vice President? She's insane enough to think she can violate the Constitution, and stupid enough to say so on television?! Are you kidding me?! At least Dick Cheney had the decency to try to conceal his scumbaggery.

She is either the most repulsive, obnoxious simpleton in the world or a serious threat to our democracy. Either way, send this shithead packing, America. Please. Don't reward McCain and Palin for underestimating you.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Sarah Palin's Busy Week

In case you haven't been following this saga, we learned that Sarah Palin agrees with Barack Obama on Pakistan, but she also disagrees with Barack Obama on Pakistan. And John McCain thinks if you say something to a voter it doesn't count. And that videotaping what Palin says to voters is "gotcha journalism." (Which I would, too, if I planned to lie to voters.) Oh, and that if you're in a restaurant, you're under no obligation to tell the truth. Also, she either reads no newspapers or all newspapers, but either way she can't name one. And that she refers to newspapers as being "in front of her" which suggests someone else puts them there. And she can't think of any Supreme Court cases except Roe v. Wade. Got all that?

Also, Sarah Palin's views on the economy are such AFG (Authentic Frontier Gibberish) that Tina Fey got huge laughs simply repeating them verbatim.

Finally, is it me, or is Sarah Palin having a codependent relationship with Katie Couric? Does she know there are other journalists?










Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Jessica Simpson Dancing to ZZ Top, in a Special Hosted by Pamela Anderson

This must've made Osama's head explode.




While we're at it, here is Jessica making the Grand Ol' Opry immeasurably grander:


Monday, September 08, 2008

Victoria's Secret Courts a New Market

This is an obvious appeal to the chic-but-scoliotic demo.


My Apple Event Wishlist


Since everyone else is making their Santa list for tomorrow's Apple announcement, I might as well throw mine in, too:

Given the artwork on the invite, obviously there will be an iPod announcement, and the smart money is on a widescreen Nano. Sounds good to me. I'd be more excited about an iTunes subscription service, though that's rumored to be unlikely. As is the tablet we've all been waiting for.

I do feel the iPod line has gotten a disproportionate amount of attention from Apple. I can understand why... It's insanely profitable. But the poor Macbook Pro has been neglected for too long. The updates have been incremental, when what's needed is a drastic redesign. Something marrying the Air's sleekness with the Macbook Pro's power and big screen would be fantastico.

It would also be nice if there were something to fill the biggest hole in Apple's lineup: the low end notebook. If someone wants to buy a "casual notebook" -- something useful but not necessarily powerful -- he should have a choice other than the pricey Air.

I'd be really psyched if Apple were to add capabilities to my beloved AppleTV. The ability to "sling" would be great, but that's pie-in-the-sky.

I'd love to see Apple announce an improved iDisk. First of all, I'd love to see it work as promised. I've never had a successful sync in all the years I've used it. I keep having to remove files that give iDisk indigestion, and this endless management of my files to accomodate iDisk is not what I had in mind. It should be effortless. So please, Apple, make iDisk work right.

But beyond that, here's my number one wish for iDisk: partitioning. What good is a 40GB iDisk if it means I have to devote at least 40GB of my Macbook's hard drive to warehousing it? Apple's response is that I should delete my local copy and merely access iDisk remotely. Which would be fine if Spotlight worked that way, but it doesn't.

The files I store on iDisk are the ones I need Spotlight for the most. So I have to keep a local copy of my iDisk... but why do I have to keep a copy of the whole iDisk? Why can't I set aside, say, 30GB for remote storage, and sync 10GB of important files with my notebook? I don't know about you all, but this would really make the service sing for me.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Unsavory Quote of the Week


"We're gonna hit it full force."

-- a guy in an eHarmony commercial, telling me 
so much more than  I need to know 
about his relationship's future.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Homer Gets a Colonoscopy (SU2C)

The Daily Show Restores My Faith in America

I confess I was really depressed yesterday. On the last episode of The Today Show I will ever watch, they actually did a piece comparing Sarah Palin to Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. (And to Davy Crockett!)

It was vile and wrongheaded and every other dizzying, nauseating thing. The mayor of the Meth Capitol of Alaska is not Jefferson Smith. If anyone is Jefferson Smith, it would be the Idealism/Hope/Change guy, Obama. The guy who became a community organizer (a.k.a. "helping the poor") instead of running up an Alaskan town's deficit while grabbing earmarks with both hands. But that would have been inconsistent with the piece's title: "The Wonder From Wasilla."

If Jefferson Smith were a real person running today, Sarah Palin and Rudy Giuliani would be making bitter, sarcastic, dickish cracks about him and the Boy Rangers. In fact, they'd be doing just about every bad thing that happened to Jeff Smith in the movie.

I watched the news as long as I could stand it, wondering how it was John McCain was a "maverick" when I seem to remember he was a bit of a soulless, opportunistic kiss-ass these last several years. Don't believe me? Go to Google News and look for articles from 2007 and earlier with keywords "McCain" and "Bob Jones."

I spent yesterday pondering whether it was financially possible for me to live in another country, but then along came The Daily Show to do, again and brilliantly, what no other news organization is doing: call the Republicans on their bullshit. The segments in the excerpt below are full of everything the media are ignoring. I'm feeling better... for now.


Thursday, September 04, 2008

The Daily Show Nails Republican Hypocrisy

Once again, The Daily Show brilliantly does the job the mainstream media refuse to do at all.

Did I Imagine It?

Or did the Republicans nominate Mrs. Loopner for Vice President? Will she be running on a platform of egg salad and Tang?

And every time she said Vee-TOW I died a little.

Amazon Primetime Emmy Cental

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Palin by Comparison

Sarah Palin's kids' names are Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow and Piper. Two more named Citrus and Jute and she'll have a Pottery Barn.

Also, kudos to The Today Show for its coverage of the Sarah Palin scandals this morning.  They had two guests: a McCain spokesperson, then Republican gargoyle Mary Matalin.  Nice balance.


Clockwise from top left: Twill, Chino, Seagrass, Duvet, Sisal and Sarah 

Monday, September 01, 2008

Yes, Senator McCain, We Get It. You Were a POW.

I can't criticize John McCain without making the obligatory qualification, which has been repeated by rote by so many so often that it's lost all meaning:

We are all grateful to Senator McCain for his service, and we respect his valor and sympathize with the terrible ordeal he endured....

Okay, I said it. Now:

John McCain used to insert "POW" into conversations inappropriately. Nowadays he is doing it WILDLY inappropriately, as in the Tonight Show clip below. (A good measure of whether something is irritating is whether it irritates me even more a week later.)

Also, when he says things like "I didn't have a kitchen table, I didn't have a table, I didn't have a chair" I almost expect one of Monty Python's Yorkshiremen to jump up from behind the couch. "You were lucky to have a cell! I was a POW in a shoebox!"

Anyway, here is McCain giving Jay Leno, to paraphrase Ned Flanders, the answer to a question no one asked. And below that, Keith Olbermann and Paul Rieckhoff discussing McCain's ceaseless cheapening of his own service.






Friday, August 29, 2008

Monday, August 04, 2008

Historic Photos of Los Angeles


The kind folks at Turner Publishing recently sent me a copy of their new book Historic Photos of Los Angeles. I wanted to mention it to you for two reasons: first, it is a beautiful collection I enjoyed thoroughly, and second, to show you what kind of good things can happen for your product when you send me a freebie.

Seriously, I wouldn’t praise the book if it didn't deserve it. I'm a sucker for L.A. history -- I think it's a rich subject that doesn’t get the attention it deserves -- and this book was a pleasure to spend time with. The photos are well-chosen and beautiful, and the text (by Dana Lombardy) is entertaining and informative. This book would make a great gift... if I were willing to part with it.

What a Strange Ad


Not only is this girl overreacting -- I presume the intent is "comical" -- but if the background is any indication, she seems to be overreacting a little late. How did they get her TO school? In the trunk of a car?

Of course, since she's learning ABC's at her age, this could be a "special" class, in which case I feel bad for making fun of her.

BB10's Renny & Jerry: The Best Argument Yet FOR Soylent Green

Friday, July 25, 2008

She's About to Lose Control, But You Won't Like It

The horror of substance addiction has never been so harrowingly linked to the despair of Pointer Sisters abuse. Look what caffeine did to her. It's got her burnin' up. If she doesn't get help she'll wind up strung out in an alley, doing the Neutron Dance.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Not to Ridiculousize April or Anything...



"It's nice when you have someone you can conversate with on an intellectual level."

-- Big Brother 10's April, explaining Ollie's appeal. Based on his seeming absence from this week's shows,
I'd assumed Ollie was dead. Looking back, I realize he probably was just rendered unconscious by prolonged exposure to April's eye makeup.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Big Brother 10 is Off to a Strong Start

It's the most wonderful time of the year -- Big Brother time -- and I'm a happy man. So far it seems like the show is bouncing back from the horror that was BB9.


If they're going to have live audiences every week, they should issue air filtration masks to protect the crowd from inhaling Julie Chen's body glitter. Besides, since Julie is genetically incapable of conducting an interesting BB interview, why not let the fans ask the questions? I guarantee they'll ask something better than "Any regrets about being HOH?" (For the record, there is no non-boring answer to that question.)

But first...

Here's my initial take on the houseguests. I reserve the right to change my mind as I get to know them better. Or worse.

Brian is an account manager... on account of he's a horse's ass. He quickly achieved an impressive feat: By acting as if he is the greatest player in BB history, he will certainly be remembered as the worst player in BB history.



I believe when she was packing, Renny only packed outfits she was wearing the week Johnny Stompanato was killed. Also, Seinfeld fans will recognize her as a dead ringer -- physically and psychologically -- for Kramer's Hollywood landlady... the one whose last acting job was as an ingenue in a Three Stooges short.


75-year-old Jerry believes strongly in the Vietnam/Iraq concept of winning a people's hearts and minds through the imposition of force. Yet when his housemates barged into his room and ordered him to nominate Brian? He was not happy. I guarantee the irony was lost on him.


Angie is cute, but not a very good player so far.


April, a car dealership finance manager, has achieved a rare place in Big Brother history: None of her BB house clothes are nearly as preposterously slutty as what we saw her wear to work. However, she did wear the veto competition honey well.


Libra also sets a new BB record: worst mother in the show's history. She has a 4-year-old as well as five-month-old twins. And she's here, not there. Also, since her birthday is in August, Libra is a Leo. I'm sorry, that freaks me out.


I suppose Michelle could manage to be somewhat attractive, despite being a Rocky Dennis lookalike. But each and every fashion and grooming choice she makes decreases her appeal by 5%... resulting in a Net Attractiveness Quotient of negative a zillion.


I cannot say a word against Keesha. I am rooting for her to win, since she works in the Burbank Hooters, home of the absolute nicest waitresses in the world. I don't go in there as often as I'd like, but when I do, everyone's very sweet.


Now to Ollie and Memphis. Ollie is black AND devoutly religious. Qualities that should yield a personality. But sadly...

As for Memphis, he'd
like you to know he's not just a bartender, he's a mixologist. Also, he's not just an idiot, he's an imbecile.


Dan is more boring than Ollie. He's also very stupid. In this picture he's holding a basketball, so... um... I guess he likes basketball. (I feel like one of those caricature guys on the boardwalk.)


Steven is a champion gay bullrider. In BB terms, he's a Bucky Bronco.


Jessie is a professional body builder and an amateur soul deadener. He thinks his "physique" makes him a "big target" so he's trying not to call attention to it. Here are some examples of him not calling attention to it:


Rush on The Colbert Report

This is dedicated to David Marcus, Jerry Fortinsky, Andy Berman and Carl Drucker:

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Salma Hayek Exceeds an Elevator's Maximum Occupancy of Hotness

Of all my contributions to "the YouTubes" this Ugly Betty clip with Salma Hayek has been far and away the most popular. My pride is palpable, and so will you be after viewing this Should've Asked Me classic:

Sunday, June 22, 2008

From the Patriot Act to Telecom Immunity

If, in the years since 9/11, you haven't seen the remarkable 1998 movie The Siege, you'll have a queasy feeling when you watch this trailer for the film. We can't say we weren't warned.


Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Friday, June 06, 2008

Next on Fox News: Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods Have Also Made Suspicious, Fist-Related Terrorist Gestures

As Ned Flanders would say, this clip is the answer to a question nobody asked. It would have been the dumbest, emptiest "news" story I've ever seen -- and that's without exaggeration -- but the casual, sickening, baseless insertion of the word "terrorist" drops it to a whole new level. Watch if you dare as Fox News hits an all-time low:


Thursday, June 05, 2008

Duckman Seasons 1 & 2 on DVD



Since someone else brought it up -- unpaid, I swear! -- I'll take this moment to plug the impending, long-awaited Duckman DVD set.  I'm excited that this show that I'm so proud of will finally be available to its twisted fans.  

I hope seasons 1 & 2 sell well, since many of my favorite episodes are in seasons 3 & 4.   We had a loyal audience of roughly a million viewers, so I call upon each and every one of you to buy one for you and one for a friend.  (I just accidentally typed "one for a fiend"... and without thinking I cackled like the Crypt Keeper as I corrected it.  Just a little glimpse into what my days are like.)

I will also point out, for the record, that I can engage in this plugola in good conscience, since I don't receive a single shekel for the DVD sales.  Duckman was produced back before animation started to make its way out of the wilderness and into the WGA tent.  

And since I'm obviously not one of the folks doing a commentary track for the DVD's, if you have any questions that I might be able to answer please feel free to post them in the comments, and I'll respond if I can.  Also, if any of the other Duckman veterans -- Howard, are you there? -- read this blog they can chime in, too, and fill in my increasingly spotty memory.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I'm Just Saying...

I am certain that Hillary Clinton does not want to see Barack Obama assassinated. She obviously never meant to say that. She was trying to say what she has said repeatedly: "Anything can happen."

But there's nothing good that could happen to Obama that would end his candidacy, or make delegates flee from him. So the "something" that Senator Clinton keeps saying might "happen" is something bad for Obama. Let's be real here: she's hoping for something bad to happen to Barack Obama. That it's not assassination doesn't make it right.

------------------------------------

I hear it over and over: "Not counting the Michigan and Florida votes disenfranchises those voters."

Um... No, it doesn't. It overenfranchises them, for lack of a better word. Counting the votes disenfranchises those who didn't vote because they were told the election wouldn't count. And that's not fair.

------------------------------------

"If we leave Iraq now, we will have no chance of winning. We will be defeated, and it will all have been for nothing." That is the rationale for staying in Iraq, and we hear it over and over.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: That is exactly the same logic that has driven every gambling addict. "Sure I'm down ten thousand, but if I leave the table now I'll have no chance of getting it back. You gott be in it to win it."

It's idiotic and illogical of course. That's why they call it "throwing good money after bad." Only in the case of Iraq, it's not just money, it's blood.

------------------------------------

Every time Hillary Clinton misspeaks -- and she has done it a lot, I think we can agree -- her excuse is always that she was tired. So how is it that she'd be the best one to answer the phone at 3 am?
------------------------------------

Thanks, I just had to get those off my chest.

Sponge - Molly (Sixteen Candles)... No Reason, I Just Love This Song

iPhone Earth Demo

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Countdown's Classic Colbert: "Better Know a District" Highlights

"Pork and Beans": Weezer's YouTube All-Star All Skate

The Other Lesson to be Learned From Hillary Clinton's Insane Self-Destruction

The first lesson is, of course, that she's batshit crazy.

But the other lesson -- and a lot of people need to learn this -- is as follows:

If your apology contains the word "if" it is not a real apology.

Oh, and it should also contain some variation of either "apologize" or "sorry."

Senator Clinton: "I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation, and particularly for the Kennedy family was in any way offensive"

Again, not really an apology. Like a lot of public figures, she does this a lot. The media need to stop calling it an "apology" and call it what it is: a passive-agressive bird-flip.

Olbermann Special Comment on Clinton Assassination Remark

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

To Quote Pat Metheny, "As Falls Wichita, So Falls Wichita Falls"


“You know what they say: As Ohio goes, so goes the nation.”

-- Hillary Clinton, 3/4/08

"It's often been said: As Kentucky goes, so goes the nation."

-- Hillary Clinton, 5/20/08


(Also in tonight's speech Clinton said, "It's not just Kentucky bluegrass that's music to my ears." No word on what other vegetation or shrubbery the Senator enjoys listening to.)

Friday, May 16, 2008

"Again & Again": Mac Desktop Music Video

I'll never again use "I don't have the resources" as an excuse for not creating, thanks to filmmker Dennis Liu:

"Bill O'Reilly's Producer"

From Barely Political comes perhaps the funniest original web video I've ever seen:

"Simon's Cat": This is Pretty Much My Life Every Morning

Behind the News

I've been able to watch Morning Joe recently because Joe is on vacation or getting his blood replaced or killing assistants or whatever it is he does.  And ordinarily nothing could distract me from the pure pleasure of watching Bill O'Reilly's tantrum for the thousandth time.  But if you look over Willie Giest's right shoulder in the clip below, you'll probably be as freaked out as I was.


Hardball's Chris Matthews Pwns a Right Wing Fax Monkey

Fax Monkey© is my word for talking knuckleheads who check their fax machine every morning for the word of the day. That is, the word or phrase the Republican Smear Machine wants them to repeat endlessly on TV and radio.

Apparently, for the Fax Monkey in this clip from Hardball, yesterday's word was "appeasement." Admittedly, the Fax Monkey had the impossible task of defending Bush's indefensible comments. But if he had a soul, he wouldn't have taken on the job.

Watch now as Chris Matthews gets fed up with the perverse dishonesty and neatly prepares Fax Monkey Chiffonade. If you've ever yelled at your TV, this will be the most satisfying ten minutes of television you'll watch this year.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Gee, Hillary, That's Mighty White of You

Fresh from her "I'm big with the racists" boast, Hillary did an interview with Brian Williams yesterday, unaware that, meanwhile in the library, John Edwards, Barack Obama, and Professor Plum were finishing off her campaign with the candlestick.

To steal Chris Matthews' great expression, she dropped a couple of sugarplums in that interview. Here's the excerpt:



There you have Hillary Clinton in a nutshell. She explains her insane inability to admit failure by unctuously asserting her superiority to everyone else in the world. She has "more patience" than the rest of us. Why can't we understand that?

Then she talks about how much fun she's having traveling around. Well, that's nice. It must be fun flying around on a private plane, being cheered by the hypnotized, all on the dime of average Americans. Travel can be a blast when you're pissing away five and ten dollar contributions by financially-strapped Americans. Especially when you know whatever money you've put in will be paid back -- either by the Obama campaign or by a lucrative book deal.

I have been an Obama supporter since the Philadelphia speech, and I've contributed money several times. But I'm not donating one penny more until I'm promised that none of it will go to paying for Hillary Clinton's maniacal mystery tour.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

American Idol: Unnatural

What a week!


Last night I saw the most disturbing, icky thing I've ever seen, when David Cook started singing the gelatinous love song "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" and his mother -- during the intro -- stood up and remained standing, alone, in the middle of the crowd.  It would have been romantic and moving... if it were Glenn Close standing up in The Natural.  As it was it was just a creepy mom making her son's love song all about her.  Ewww.

I thought it was untoppable.  Or is that unbottomable?

Then came tonight's performance by Fantasia, which was so terrifying and so the opposite of "entertainment" that I lost control of my bowels.

Scan Discount and Club Cards Into Your iPhone or iPod Touch


This is genius.  From
TUAW.com comes this clever tip: scan your barcode cards into an iPhoto album -- clearly so they're scannable -- and slim down that bulky wallet.  I love it.


And by the way, apparently it also works with boarding passes.

The West Virginia Primary Made History



When Hillary Clinton boasted last week that undereducated white people usually support her, I was sure we were being Punk'd. Here was a major political figure, actually bragging that the stupider you are, the more likely you are to believe what she says.  But by gum, she was serious.  She says her message resonates best with the stupid.

And yes, I know that "undereducated" doesn't automatically mean "stupid." However, as Americans we've always believed that if you work hard you'll get ahead. If you're hardworking and you are still poor? By conventional logic you must be either bad at what you do, or too stupid to do something else. Hey, don't blame me, blame Oprah: she's the one who says you can be whatever you want. (I want to be married to Jennifer Aniston and talk her into a three-way with Mary McCormack... little help, O?)

Anyway, in a historic display of solidarity, the uneducated, unsuccessful part of West Virginia put down its corn cob pipes and slid out from under cars on blocks on lawns, and went to the polls and said, "Yes! I'm stupid! I will gladly vote for someone who looks down her nose at me!" They also pooled their meager savings and gave to the Clinton campaign, a campaign with no chance of success and a $20 million debt. A campaign that owes ten million dollars to the Clintons themselves. Which the Clintons will recoup with book deals the second the campaIgn is over.

Now we look to Kentucky where, according to Hillary Clinton, a boy sold his bicycle and video games to contribute to the campaign, so that Bill and Hillary could continue to fly on separate private jets. He sold his most prized possessions to donate to a woman who is calculating her exit strategy, and negotiating to get
her money back. You, young Kentucky man, are an imbecile. You, young Kentucky man, are a Clinton supporter.

As for why there are pictures of Jennifer Garner on this post... well, God knows I didn't want to run pictures of Hillary, so I thought I'd show a famous former West Virginian instead. It came down to Jennifer Garner, Soupy Sales, or Lou Holtz. I believe I chose wisely.


Stephen Colbert NAILS Papa Bear O'Reilly's Inside Edition Tantrum

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Classic Bill O'Reilly Tantrum: Is This One of the Episodes That Won Him an Imaginary Peabody Award?

Yeah, I know you've probably seen this, but I find this so funny I just had to give it another look. Is it possible for a normal person to get this angry this quickly? Is it possible for a professional broadcaster to have never heard the expression "play us out"? (Wait... Did I just call Bill O'Reilly a "normal person" and a "professional broadcaster"? Sorry about that.)


Sue Simmons Says Swear: WNBC F-Bombed



Monday, May 12, 2008

Sapphic Survivor Psycho (Spoilers)


Last night, one of the great Survivor seasons -- perhaps the best Survivor season -- came to a satisfying and (to me) surprising end.  

Typical of the season, just when you thought there were no surprises left, Natalie stood up to address the final two.  Until then, Natalie had been most notable to me for three reasons:

1.  She can't finish a sentence without including some gratuitous, bizarre shout-out to the superiority of women.

2.  She clearly should have taken some of her tit and cheekbone money and used it to buy a chin.

3.  She's an obnoxious hag.

But last night... oh, last night... Natalie actually became the real-life version of the worst, most offensive, tired character cliche in TV and movies: the deranged, lovestruck lesbian.  I mean... I'm asking you... am I mistaken, or did Natalie's questioning of Parvati come down to "So are we gonna do this or are you just a tease I'll have to kill?"

Check it out at 4:00 minutes in below.   I certainly hope Parvati doesn't own a bunny, or "There Will Be Boil."