I'm fairly certain that on House Calls and The Early Show the contestants won't be asked the questions I want to have answered, so here they are, just for kicks:
Adam, without using your fingers, can you tell me what five plus two is? The truth now, do you have "R" and "L" painted on your shoes? And do you consider yourself more of a "moron" or an "imbecile"?
Ryan, do you seriously think growing a beard in the middle of your cheeks fools any of us into thinking you don't have a round face? Maybe you could move your eyebrows to the top of your head, so we don't think you're losing your hair. And Jen, the girlfriend who called you a racist behind your back on national TV? You're seriously not dumping her? Can you take the fifty thousand and buy some balls, please?
Sheila, do you think it would have helped you win the game if you had won, oh I don't know, even one competition? (And no, it doesn't count as winning if two people have to forfeit to give it to you.) Don't you think it's a bad strategy for a player to go into every competition telling other players they've "got to win this for me"? That they have to "have your back"? Why didn't you simply step up and have your own front? Your sad, shopworn front?
Sharon, have a lot of your boyfriends asked you for oral sex? Or asked to put a gag in your mouth? Or asked you to take a pill to "relax" you? You realize it's not because you're hot, it's because they want to shut you up, right? I mean, you can't possibly think any man ever wants to hear that shrill, lisping, braying voice of yours, right?
Also, congrats on your look at the finale. I didn't know there was such a thing as "spray-on tranny."
Chelsia, I know you know to put on makeup in the morning, but you do know you're allowed to occasionally take it off at night, right? I mean, if we cut your head in half, could we tell your age by counting the layers of makeup? And can we cut your head in half? Please? Also, thanks for wearing that outfit you wore on the finale. I always wondered if there was a dress that simultaneously said "wrestler thighs" and "ten dollar bus depot blow job."
And one more question, Chelsia: do you prefer "cooze" or "mega-cooze"?
Josh, same question.
James, when you kiss Chelsia, is it because her smeary makeup and tree-trunk legs make it easy to pretend she's a man in drag? I guess what I'm asking, James, is if your family knows you're gay, and also if you know you're gay. Because you really are gay. Seriously.
Also, James, what will you spend your $25K on? An amphibious bicycle for your around-the-world bike trip? Or a buttload of gay porn?
And for the Big Brother producers: Now that the season is over, how much Lysol will it take to rid the house of the stench of body odor, desperation and Adam? And do you realize that if you had left the grand prize vote up to the viewers, Evel Dick would have won in a write-in landslide? Will you please promise us this summer's season will be good enough to make us forget this awful season? And failing that, will you at least release the superb Season 6 on DVD, so we'll have something good to watch?
And Julie Chen, if you get a chance, will you please cut Chelsia's head in half? And tell James he's gay?