Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The West Virginia Primary Made History



When Hillary Clinton boasted last week that undereducated white people usually support her, I was sure we were being Punk'd. Here was a major political figure, actually bragging that the stupider you are, the more likely you are to believe what she says.  But by gum, she was serious.  She says her message resonates best with the stupid.

And yes, I know that "undereducated" doesn't automatically mean "stupid." However, as Americans we've always believed that if you work hard you'll get ahead. If you're hardworking and you are still poor? By conventional logic you must be either bad at what you do, or too stupid to do something else. Hey, don't blame me, blame Oprah: she's the one who says you can be whatever you want. (I want to be married to Jennifer Aniston and talk her into a three-way with Mary McCormack... little help, O?)

Anyway, in a historic display of solidarity, the uneducated, unsuccessful part of West Virginia put down its corn cob pipes and slid out from under cars on blocks on lawns, and went to the polls and said, "Yes! I'm stupid! I will gladly vote for someone who looks down her nose at me!" They also pooled their meager savings and gave to the Clinton campaign, a campaign with no chance of success and a $20 million debt. A campaign that owes ten million dollars to the Clintons themselves. Which the Clintons will recoup with book deals the second the campaIgn is over.

Now we look to Kentucky where, according to Hillary Clinton, a boy sold his bicycle and video games to contribute to the campaign, so that Bill and Hillary could continue to fly on separate private jets. He sold his most prized possessions to donate to a woman who is calculating her exit strategy, and negotiating to get
her money back. You, young Kentucky man, are an imbecile. You, young Kentucky man, are a Clinton supporter.

As for why there are pictures of Jennifer Garner on this post... well, God knows I didn't want to run pictures of Hillary, so I thought I'd show a famous former West Virginian instead. It came down to Jennifer Garner, Soupy Sales, or Lou Holtz. I believe I chose wisely.


4 comments:

norm said...

I'm also baffled by the press continuing to say Obama must find a way to appeal to uneducated, working class whites.
Why isn't it time for uneducated racists to get a clue?

How do you make a racist like you anyway?

Is Obama supposed to put on a pointy white hood or something?

Michael Markowitz said...

It's as if a family went car-shopping, and Dad and Mom kept rejecting cars because their 6-year-old didn't like them. Why not let the ones paying for the car and driving it decide?

Also, why does the press keep assuming Obama lacks regular guydom? He is, to my view, an EXTREMELY regular guy. Maybe the first Presidential candidate in my lifetime where I actually KNOW folks like him. I saw him sitting in that bar watching the Final Four, eating wings, relaxed and joking, and identified with him more than the passive-aggressive McCain and Crazy Eyes Clinton!

norm said...

I figure you saw the daily show tonight...
The quotes from West Virginians about why they voted for Clinton were so...
Um...
I had to keep playing them over and over.

"Ahm sorta scared of that other race"

"He's Muslim"

"It's the Hussein thing. Ah've had enough of Hoo-sane!"

Michael Markowitz said...

I finally caught up on My Daily Shows... Wow. Those women you quoted made me physically ill. That last woman is a fucking idiot. And yes, I know, some of you may be saying, 'Hey that's someone's mother.' If you are reading this and that is your mother, then your mother is a fucking idiot.