Thursday, January 24, 2008

On the Other Hand...



I can't wag my finger at Joe Scarborough without also tipping my hat when he gets mensch-y, which he did in response to John Gibson's inexcusable mockery of Heath Ledger's death. Keith Olbermann and Dan Abrams had expressed similar outrage, but it was great to see Joe prove that there are some on the right who recognize vile behavior when they see it.

In another segment, Joe also spoke eloquently and sincerely about his admiration for anyone who earns a chip from a 12-step program. There is no reason to suspect that Heath Ledger's death was related to his alleged history of addiction, but it provides a good excuse to congratulate anyone who's struggling and winning.

John Gibson is human filth. And Bill O'Reilly is thrice so: first for twice saying on his show that there are no homeless vets (!)... second, for pretending he never said it... and third, for blaming the vets' homelessness on (ready?) the vets themselves. (And for some psychotic reason he's demanding apologies from John Edwards and David Letterman. Don't ask.)

Gibson and O'Reilly should be locked in a little capsule together for eternity, like Frank Gorshin and the other guy on Star Trek.

First in a Series: "Shit on the Lawn"

From time to time, I'd like to call your attention to commercials that I call "Shit on the Lawn" ads. They are commercials that have, I believe, a scene missing. It is the scene where the husband puts all the wife's shit on the lawn and tells her to get the fuck out.

There's no better ad to kick us off than the one for a tax prep chain, showing a husband having trouble with the couple's tax return. The wife, ever sympathetic, says something like, "Well, why don't you ask the box?" She continues to patronizingly berate him for trying a new way to do their taxes.

If I had directed the commercial, the next scene shows him flinging her shit on the lawn. And possibly smacking her across the face with a socket wrench.

Another good candidate is the Best Buy commercial where the wife thinks her husband is watching another couple kiss through his telescope (he wasn't). She sneers at him, as if he were worm crap.

In a perfect world, cut to: her shit on the lawn. (Actually, since this ad is set on a terrace, a more perfect ending would be him flinging her snotty ass over the railing.)

As more come up, let's post them here. And if your wife actually talks to you like this, please: throw her shit on the lawn.

Too Many Thoughts While Watching the Republican Debate. Here's Just One:

You know what would be great? If MSNBC replaced Joe Scarborough with a parrot. You could train the parrot to say, "Mitt Romney! BRRRAKKK! Mitt Romney!" and it would be exactly as insightful as Joe has been.

I suggest a drinking game, taking a shot whenever Joe tongue-bathes Romney. You'll be sloshed in no time, but of course you'll STILL not get so drunk you'd vote for a knucklehead like Romney.

Every Time She Says a Word I Die a Little


(no Project Runway spoilers ahead)


The biggest
Project Runway spoiler, of course, is Jillian.

In case you don't know who she is, here are some of her many moods:


If you've been watching this season, you know that she is literally the dullest human ever to appear on television.

Seriously.

I'm amazed her image even sticks to videotape. Her blood type is zero. Her favorite color is Lint. She's a real doll... provided the doll's batteries are dying. Spending even a minute watching her feels like what I imagine it must be like to have your tether snap during a spacewalk. You just float meaninglessly into the vast, vacuum-y void. Everywhere you look, nothingness.

That's Jillian.

Anyway, in case you're out of Ambien, here is a picture of Jillian and fellow contestant Victorya. Victorya, FYI, is the second-dullest human on TV.

Mashed Cash: Celebrity-on-Money Action







Dog Vs. Balloons: Always Bet on the Dog

Wednesday, January 23, 2008