Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I'm Frightened for Rachael Ray

At first I thought this might be a recurring dream she has: her bedroom is invaded by a man with enormous fingers, and he is stuffing pickles.

Then I realized it was two pictures.

Then I decided to ignore that and go back to my first impression, since we all know those are the ones that count.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Tom Hanks Endorses Barack Obama

The "Oh, Miley!" Factor

I haven't written about this Vanity Fair/Miley Cyrus/"sexy photos" kerfuffle for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, because I don't care.

But now, because the story has persisted, it's crossed over into one of my pre-existing pet peeves, so I'll just add my voice to the "controversy."

I've previously written about the Paris Hilton Carl's Jr. commercial. I was amazed that rational humans were fretting over children being exposed to these "sexual" images. I was under the impression -- and I still am -- that children don't find things like that "sexy." Most children I know would see Paris Hilton in a bathing suit, splashing around with a hose and eating a big burger while lying on a car, and think it's funny and silly and goofy.

Unless, of course, an adult in the room freaks out and teaches them what shame is.

Still, I persist in thinking that a healthy child would not find Paris Hilton sexy. (I also think a healthy adult wouldn't find her sexy, but that's for another day.)

Anyhoo, healthy children do not find adults "sexy."

Conversely, healthy adults do not find children "sexy."

I didn't want to look at the pictures. I assumed they were child porn, which doesn't interest me.

But the media, thinking these pictures were so lurid they should not be seen, naturally put them on screen every three minutes all day for a week. That's the only reason I saw them. I felt like Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange being forced to look at something unpleasant and denied the right to look away.

When I did see these notorious pictures I was shocked. Shocked.

Shocked that anyone would call these pictures "sexy."

Miley Cyrus is, to my mind, a normal-looking 15-year-old... as opposed to a "Your Honor, look at her! How was I supposed to know?!" kind of 15-year-old. As such, the sight of her bare back doesn't make me go to a sexual place.

What's even more hilarious is there's all this outrage over this picture, while no one seemed to mind her writhing and moaning and fuck-miming on Idol Gives Back.

A performance which I found funny and silly and goofy.

If you really want to eliminate gratuitous sluttiness from the media, start with all those anchorskanks on Fox News.

Alanis Morissette, Jessica Biel, AND Scarlett Johansson??

You, Ryan Reynolds, are my hero.


"Sorry.  Lo siento mucho.  You are muerta.  Kaput."

 -- multi-multi-lingual jamón Maria Conchita Alonso, evicting a contestant on my new obsession, Viva Hollywood on VH-1.   The grand prize is a role on a Telemundo telenovela and, in the words of another contestant, "one thousand hundred dollars."