Saturday, May 17, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
I've been able to watch Morning Joe recently because Joe is on vacation or getting his blood replaced or killing assistants or whatever it is he does. And ordinarily nothing could distract me from the pure pleasure of watching Bill O'Reilly's tantrum for the thousandth time. But if you look over Willie Giest's right shoulder in the clip below, you'll probably be as freaked out as I was.
Fax Monkey© is my word for talking knuckleheads who check their fax machine every morning for the word of the day. That is, the word or phrase the Republican Smear Machine wants them to repeat endlessly on TV and radio.
Apparently, for the Fax Monkey in this clip from Hardball, yesterday's word was "appeasement." Admittedly, the Fax Monkey had the impossible task of defending Bush's indefensible comments. But if he had a soul, he wouldn't have taken on the job.
Watch now as Chris Matthews gets fed up with the perverse dishonesty and neatly prepares Fax Monkey Chiffonade. If you've ever yelled at your TV, this will be the most satisfying ten minutes of television you'll watch this year.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Fresh from her "I'm big with the racists" boast, Hillary did an interview with Brian Williams yesterday, unaware that, meanwhile in the library, John Edwards, Barack Obama, and Professor Plum were finishing off her campaign with the candlestick.
To steal Chris Matthews' great expression, she dropped a couple of sugarplums in that interview. Here's the excerpt:
There you have Hillary Clinton in a nutshell. She explains her insane inability to admit failure by unctuously asserting her superiority to everyone else in the world. She has "more patience" than the rest of us. Why can't we understand that?
Then she talks about how much fun she's having traveling around. Well, that's nice. It must be fun flying around on a private plane, being cheered by the hypnotized, all on the dime of average Americans. Travel can be a blast when you're pissing away five and ten dollar contributions by financially-strapped Americans. Especially when you know whatever money you've put in will be paid back -- either by the Obama campaign or by a lucrative book deal.
I have been an Obama supporter since the Philadelphia speech, and I've contributed money several times. But I'm not donating one penny more until I'm promised that none of it will go to paying for Hillary Clinton's maniacal mystery tour.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
What a week!
This is genius. From TUAW.com comes this clever tip: scan your barcode cards into an iPhoto album -- clearly so they're scannable -- and slim down that bulky wallet. I love it.
And yes, I know that "undereducated" doesn't automatically mean "stupid." However, as Americans we've always believed that if you work hard you'll get ahead. If you're hardworking and you are still poor? By conventional logic you must be either bad at what you do, or too stupid to do something else. Hey, don't blame me, blame Oprah: she's the one who says you can be whatever you want. (I want to be married to Jennifer Aniston and talk her into a three-way with Mary McCormack... little help, O?)
Anyway, in a historic display of solidarity, the uneducated, unsuccessful part of West Virginia put down its corn cob pipes and slid out from under cars on blocks on lawns, and went to the polls and said, "Yes! I'm stupid! I will gladly vote for someone who looks down her nose at me!" They also pooled their meager savings and gave to the Clinton campaign, a campaign with no chance of success and a $20 million debt. A campaign that owes ten million dollars to the Clintons themselves. Which the Clintons will recoup with book deals the second the campaIgn is over.
Now we look to Kentucky where, according to Hillary Clinton, a boy sold his bicycle and video games to contribute to the campaign, so that Bill and Hillary could continue to fly on separate private jets. He sold his most prized possessions to donate to a woman who is calculating her exit strategy, and negotiating to get her money back. You, young Kentucky man, are an imbecile. You, young Kentucky man, are a Clinton supporter.
As for why there are pictures of Jennifer Garner on this post... well, God knows I didn't want to run pictures of Hillary, so I thought I'd show a famous former West Virginian instead. It came down to Jennifer Garner, Soupy Sales, or Lou Holtz. I believe I chose wisely.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Yeah, I know you've probably seen this, but I find this so funny I just had to give it another look. Is it possible for a normal person to get this angry this quickly? Is it possible for a professional broadcaster to have never heard the expression "play us out"? (Wait... Did I just call Bill O'Reilly a "normal person" and a "professional broadcaster"? Sorry about that.)