Thursday, July 17, 2008

Big Brother 10 is Off to a Strong Start

It's the most wonderful time of the year -- Big Brother time -- and I'm a happy man. So far it seems like the show is bouncing back from the horror that was BB9.

If they're going to have live audiences every week, they should issue air filtration masks to protect the crowd from inhaling Julie Chen's body glitter. Besides, since Julie is genetically incapable of conducting an interesting BB interview, why not let the fans ask the questions? I guarantee they'll ask something better than "Any regrets about being HOH?" (For the record, there is no non-boring answer to that question.)

But first...

Here's my initial take on the houseguests. I reserve the right to change my mind as I get to know them better. Or worse.

Brian is an account manager... on account of he's a horse's ass. He quickly achieved an impressive feat: By acting as if he is the greatest player in BB history, he will certainly be remembered as the worst player in BB history.

I believe when she was packing, Renny only packed outfits she was wearing the week Johnny Stompanato was killed. Also, Seinfeld fans will recognize her as a dead ringer -- physically and psychologically -- for Kramer's Hollywood landlady... the one whose last acting job was as an ingenue in a Three Stooges short.

75-year-old Jerry believes strongly in the Vietnam/Iraq concept of winning a people's hearts and minds through the imposition of force. Yet when his housemates barged into his room and ordered him to nominate Brian? He was not happy. I guarantee the irony was lost on him.

Angie is cute, but not a very good player so far.

April, a car dealership finance manager, has achieved a rare place in Big Brother history: None of her BB house clothes are nearly as preposterously slutty as what we saw her wear to work. However, she did wear the veto competition honey well.

Libra also sets a new BB record: worst mother in the show's history. She has a 4-year-old as well as five-month-old twins. And she's here, not there. Also, since her birthday is in August, Libra is a Leo. I'm sorry, that freaks me out.

I suppose Michelle could manage to be somewhat attractive, despite being a Rocky Dennis lookalike. But each and every fashion and grooming choice she makes decreases her appeal by 5%... resulting in a Net Attractiveness Quotient of negative a zillion.

I cannot say a word against Keesha. I am rooting for her to win, since she works in the Burbank Hooters, home of the absolute nicest waitresses in the world. I don't go in there as often as I'd like, but when I do, everyone's very sweet.

Now to Ollie and Memphis. Ollie is black AND devoutly religious. Qualities that should yield a personality. But sadly...

As for Memphis, he'd
like you to know he's not just a bartender, he's a mixologist. Also, he's not just an idiot, he's an imbecile.

Dan is more boring than Ollie. He's also very stupid. In this picture he's holding a basketball, so... um... I guess he likes basketball. (I feel like one of those caricature guys on the boardwalk.)

Steven is a champion gay bullrider. In BB terms, he's a Bucky Bronco.

Jessie is a professional body builder and an amateur soul deadener. He thinks his "physique" makes him a "big target" so he's trying not to call attention to it. Here are some examples of him not calling attention to it:

Rush on The Colbert Report

This is dedicated to David Marcus, Jerry Fortinsky, Andy Berman and Carl Drucker: