Friday, November 07, 2008

The Coolest Guy in the World

Sure, it's easy to look at this still from Executive Decision (one of my guiltiest and most pleasurable "guilty pleasure" movies) and just see a knuckleheaded extra, or a film flub... but when I look at it?

I see the Most Together Dude in Film History.

Think of it: the plane has been hijacked by crazed terrorists with machine guns and bioweapons. They're executing folks right and left.

But this guy? He's still enjoying the in-flight entertainment.

You, sir, are The Man.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Stark Raving Mad Libs: You Can Talk Like Joe Scarborough!

With Election Day almost here, it's time to look back... back at the horse's ass we call Joe Scarborough. If Halloween dress-up left you wanting more, why not spend Election Day pretending to be Joe? It will really liven up your returns-watching party, and even better, may drown out the real Joe on MSNBC.

It's actually easy to talk like Joe Scarborough. All you have to do is follow the template below. Just fill every blank with one of the choices that follow it. The key is to always use three examples where one is enough. Or actually one is too many. (Joe's an imbecile.)

Of course, it helps if you can nail the distinctive Joe Scarborough accent, which sounds kinda like if Mayberry had a village idiot, who was also really, really snooty, as well as incredibly gay. Just think haughty hillbilly homosexual and you're good. Oh and mention as often as possible that you were in Congress, without mentioning the sordid circumstances that made you "not in Congress."

(It also helps if you have a terrifyingly huge head and a frighteningly teeny-tiny mouth, but that kind of genetic foul-up comes once in a generation. I hope.)

And if you have a friend who can play Mika, all the better: Just tell her to squeal and coo one of these phrases every four or five seconds, regardless of whether someone else is talking:

Uh huh


I think they--
What I was trying--

That's just wrong

See, now--
Oh no...
Very true


I know your friend will feel like she's making an ass of herself, but that's the point. That's what makes it so very Mika. And by the way, extra points if she nails my two least-favorite Mika-isms: speaking too soon after clips so she stomps on them, and beginning nearly every single show with the word "Hooo-kayyyy"

So anyway, be like Joe: Just read the following -- agonizingly slowly and patronizingly -- and you're good to go... or is it "good to Joe"? Heh heh...

And don't worry if it doesn't make any sense. Joe doesn't.

Here goes:

I'll tell you what, you can ____________, you can ____________, you can ____________

a. disagree with me if you like
b. laugh all you like

c. tell yourself whatever you have to to sleep at night

d. make snide comments with your liberal friends
e. roll your eyes

f. rely on polls

g. read New York Times editorials

h. read Maureen Dowd

i. Say, "oh, right, whatever"

j. laugh over lunch at Le Cirque

and I know this isn't what you hear ____________ or ____________ or ____________

a. on the upper west side of New York City
b. on the west side of Los Angeles

c. from the Georgetown crowd

d. from the lunch crowd at Le Cirque

e. in the New York Times

f. in Maureen Dowd's column
g. in Kathleen Parker's column
h. in San Francisco
i. from the chattering class
j. from Charlie Gibson, with his glasses on the end of his nose
k. from the liberal media

l. on the editorial page of the new York Times

m. from your liberal Hollywood friends
n. at cocktail parties in Georgetown
o. at cocktail parties on the upper West Side
p. from Bill Maher
q. at Le Cirque

but they ______________

a. have no idea about
b. have absolutely no idea about

c. are clueless about

d. are completely clueless about

e. are totally out of step about

f. are totally out of sync about

g. look down their noses at

____________ and ____________ and ____________

a. the concerns
b. the challenges

c. the hardships
d. the values

e. what is on the minds
f. what is in the hearts

of ______________, ______________, ______________

a. average
b. real

c. true
d. the majority of
e. conservative
f. working
g. ordinary

h. evangelical

Americans. And if you think I'm _________, if you think I'm ___________, if you think I'm ____________

a. wrong
b. mistaken

c. exaggerating

d. kidding

e. quaint

f. hysterical

g. uninformed

h. out of step

then you are ____________

a. wrong
b. dead wrong

c. fooling yourself

d. mistaken
e. destined to forever fail to understand America

because someone like ____________ or ____________ or ____________

a. Barack Obama
b. Nancy Pelosi

c. Harry Reid

d. Rosie O'Donnell

e. Maureen Dowd
f. the mainstream media

g. the liberal media
h. the New York Times

i. Hollywood types
Charlie Gibson, with his glasses on the end of his nose
k. Air America

has/have no idea what people in ____________ or ____________ or ____________

a. red states
b. Pennsylvania

c. Western Pennsylvania
d. blue-collar Pennsylvania

e. Michigan
f. Alabama
g. Florida
h. Pensacola
i. the Redneck Riviera
j. the vast majority of America

think. Because when I talk to ____________

a. Americans
b. average Americans
c. real Americans
d. voters

e. average voters
f. Republicans

g. Evangelicals

h. conservative Christians

i. conservative, Republican, Evangelical, Christian voters
j. Americans who don't read Maureen Dowd

you can bet that ____________ and ____________ and ____________

a. comments about bitterness
b. comments about redistributing the wealth

c. comments about taxes being patriotic

d. making fun of Joe the Plumber

e. raising taxes

f. hanging out with Reverend Wright
g. hanging out with Bill Ayers
h. hanging out with President Clinton

i. hanging out with Nancy Pelosi
j. hanging out with Harry Reid

k. sucking up to the Hollywood crowd

l. Michelle Obama's lack of pride in her country

m. Michelle Obama's seeming anger at the country that has served her well
n. Barack Obama's foreign-sounding name and Harvard demeanor
o. someone like Al Franken

is/are seen as ____________ and ____________ and ____________

a. demeaning
b. outside the mainstream of American values

c. condescending
d. insulting
e. smug

f. smug and condescending

g. wrong
h. just plain wrong

i. flat out wrong

And by the way, when ____________ and ____________ and ____________

a. the New York Times
b. the Washington Post

c. NPR or PBS

d. the mainstream media

e. the liberal media

f. the Obama campaign

g. Barack Obama

h. Nancy Pelosi

i. Hollywood types
j. the ladies of The View
k. Maureen Dowd

say/says things like

[Just read and/or make up something. Doesn't matter what. Seriously, Joe does this rap after, like, weather reports, for Christ's sake.]

I have to wonder if they said the same thing when ____________

a. I and my fellow Congressional Republicans
b. Ronald Reagan
c. President Ronald Reagan
c. Newt Gingrich
d. Bob Dole

e. John McCain
f. Ronald Reagan and Newt Gingrich
g. Sean Hannity

was/were doing the exact same thing. I really, really ____________

a. doubt it

b. really doubt it
c. highly doubt it.
d. don't think so

e. would be surprised, to be sure.

I really do. But what do I know? I'm just ____________

a. a Redneck
b. a former Congressman

c. a Redneck lawyer

d. a caveman lawyer

e. someone who actually talks to Americans, unlike Maureen Dowd.

But let's talk to ____________

a. Mike Huckabee
b. Pat Buchanan
c. Mike Barnacle

d. Mitt Romney
e. Peggy Noonan
f. Charlie Crist

and let them tell you what I have been saying ____________

a. since I was running for Congress

b. since I was in Congress

c. since this campaign began
d. since before this campaign began

e. for the better part of the last two years
f. for months
g. all morning

And we'll do that after this break.

[For maximum effect, repeat variations on the above for three hours every morning.]

former Congressman and current imbecile Joe Scarborough