Saturday, February 14, 2009

If You Thought the Republicans' Using "Democrat" Instead of "Democratic" was Desperate and Pathetic...

This morning on Fox News, in a report on the stimulus bill that was 80 seconds long, Caroline Shively referred to "Mister Obama" five times and not once to "President Obama." It's not just disrespectful, it's petty and juvenile and sad.

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Own Emergency Preparedness Plan


Thing is, even if the alarm I hear is totally whoop-free, my reaction will be the same: I will run in no particular pattern or direction, screaming like a little girl.

Monday, February 09, 2009

The Clown Princess of Conceiving


So I saw a little of Ann Curry's interview with that crazy octuplets lady. Between her and Ann, there was just too much wacko onscreen for me to stick with the whole thing. But a couple of things:

First of all, I hear a lot about how her lips remind people of Angelina Jolie's. Wellll, that may have been her intent, but the result couldn't be more different. Whereas Ms. Jolie's lips are lush and feminine and inviting, the Fetus Dispenser's lips are the perfect blend of Cesar Romero's Joker and Jack Nicholson's Joker. In other words, terrifying.

Speaking of terrifying, we come to the more important point. When Octopussy was asked how she planned to feed
fourteen children with no job, she said, "I will do the best I possibly can."

Aw.  That's super.

This is not some everyone-gets-a-trophy soccer league.  In the NFL or in a spelling bee or in a bowling league you can "do your best."  But in feeding children, you MUST SUCCEED. You must bowl a 300 every time. There is no other option in childcare.  Do or do not.  There is no try.

You wouldn't say "I'll do my best" if you were, say, skydiving. And having babies is even worse than skydiving. In skydiving you assume the small risk that your chute might not open. Having babies is like throwing THEM out of a plane and hoping their chutes open. It's a risk they didn't ask to assume.

Of course in today's Oprah culture, it's not important whether you succeed at something, only that you "gave your best" and "showed your spirit" and "were in the now" and all that crap.  Why let reality stand in the way of your dream?  And you can tell Miss Babies-On-Board watches a lot of Oprah. This was her pledge:

"Everything I do, I'll stop my life for them and be present with them. And hold them. And be with them. And how many parents do that? I'm sure there are many that do, but many don't. And that's unfortunate. That is selfish."

Yes. Let's all take a lecture on selfishness from the Queen of Infantasyland.

First of all, as a non-Oprah-viewer, I have no idea what it means to promise to be "present." I assume she means she will be in the room with them, and... er... that when she is with them she promises to... um.... I guess she's promising to
exist. Which is thin gruel, indeed.

And as for holding them and being with them?  To quote Chris Rock, "That's what you're
supposed to do."  Is she really promising to be better than neglectful parents?  And she wants a gold star for that?  In that case, please tell the IRS I will try my best to pay all my taxes.  And please tell them many people don't, and that I think that's unfortunate.  I'll bet they send me flowers in gratitude.


This daffy bitch's repeated Placenta Valley Sundays would be hilarious if not for the fourteen lives she could be ruining.  And the exponential number of lives those fourteen could ruin.

And, finally, let's hope this is a wake-up call for the media. (I'm looking at you, Ann Curry)  Maybe you shouldn't go gaga over every woman who drops a litter of babies.  Maybe if you didn't make these women celebrities and line them up for corporate donations, they'd think two or three or eight times before perverting the miracle of IVF and turning their vaginas into Pez dispensers.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Stephen Colbert Gets All Christian Bale on Steve Martin