Thursday, February 19, 2009


On June 9, 2007, I posted these pictures with the headline:

I Don't Care if They Have to Drag Paris Hilton to Jail and Back Twice a Day, It's Worth it if it Means I Get to See More of Ashlan Gorse

Well, because God is good, Ashlan now has an FHM spread, available at

Some Recent Tweets Worth Re-Tweeting

(By the way, please know that when I do these Re-tweet posts it's not because I think the tweets are such treasures. I do it at the request of some readers who aren't on Twitter. And please forgive me if this looks like a list of Larry-King-style one-liners. A blog I've mentioned before that I loathe does it and... well, I loathe it. And why am I apparently obsessed with Mika Brzezinski?! Anyway, that's all. Please to enjoy.)

"I Park Like an Idiot" stickers are essential glove compartment gear.

Idol: "No one goes near Police songs?!" Shawn Colvin did pretty great with that very song. Alanis no slouch either with King of Pain.

I have same question as Jon Stewart:Why doesnt gov just pay people's mortgages? Banks get money anyway and it's pre-streeted.

Sonoma has been unseasonably hot, while Sarah Shahi has been unreasonably hot.

More sad proof of Idiocracy: When Charles Van Doren won on Twenty One he made cover of Time. When Ken Jennings won on Jeopardy he got nerd jokes.

Morning Joe idiots dismiss hi-speed LA/LV rail as pork? Rail would create jobs & tourism AND save lives. The 15 is a congested deathtrap. (2/18/09)

Considering MSNBC weather map ends at the Rockies it's no surprise the Morning Joe panel has no clue about the dire need for LA-Vegas train.

Lisa Myers report on stimulus on Morning Joe so one-sided and unfair if news were baseball she'd be suspended and fined. (2/18/09)

If Office Depot didn't exclude tech from its discounts I would spend literally thousands of dollars there instead of elsewhere.

Thinking evernote and shovebox can be combined w/ rule to email every shove to evernote. Should be simple automator action, yes?

(By the way, if anyone has written such a script or action, please share.)

Great organizers and accessories for moms.

If anyone else is watching True Beauty -- I know, I know -- what the frick is that under Laura's arm? How can anyone who has THAT be vain?!

Under her arm is either a ghastly tattoo, a ghastly perspiration mark, or a ghastly implant scar.

I bah humbugged all day Valentine's Day, yet was NOT visited by three lusty ghosts. It was worth a try.

Best moments on Morning Joe: When Mika gets glassy-eyed, hypnotized by her own image in monitor like a cross between Narcissus and a chicken

I just saw TMZ for the first time. It's apparently a reality show where a roomful of people compete for the title "Biggest A-hole."

1 out of 5 dentists recommend sugary gum for patients who chew gum. Remember that when Republicans say some economists agree with them.

Do you think those two hilarious and devastating SNL parodies have finally made Kathie Lee realize how preposterous and reviled she is?

Opened Firefox, some extensions had updates, they finished updating and then it asked "Continue?" Under what circumstances would I say no?

Reduce Your Rent With This Simple Letter (Lifehacker):

If Mika Brzezinski wants to direct a TV show she should take a leave of absence and do it. If not she should STFU and stop barking on MJ.

I believe in the Jack Bauer rule: Torture is illegal. Period. If it will save lives do it... AND accept the legal consequences afterward.

Calling a wetlands program "money for a rat" is like calling a farm bill "money for a plant."

If you're a former New Yorker living in L.A., please please I beg you: move back to New York or shut up about New York.

NYers in LA call it "out here." Like its friggin Dances With Wolves. It's not "out here" it's HERE

The wedge salad! Lettuce allowed to be itself, unfettered and uncrowded.

The women on TRUE BEAUTY are sixes at best.

I'm worried about Jane Seymour. She seems to be obsessively painting the same heart shape over and over on canvas after canvas.

Paul F. Tompkins is too hilarious to be a real person. I suspect he's a Muppet.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Jack Bauer in "Stop Making Sense"

Comic Fusion has a lot of great collectibles, but this "Jack Bauer" figure is either undesirable because it's so preposterous... or it's a must-have because it's so preposterous. And not just because it looks nothing like Kiefer Sutherland. (It kinda looks to me like a cross between Lee Majors and Joshua Jackson.)

The only conceivable storyline I can put together for this figure is that Edgar Stiles' mother asked Jack if she wanted any of Edgar's clothes, and Jack decided to try on a couple of things just to humor the poor woman. Any other suggestions?

Speaking of Idiocracy...

Former Duckman writer, pundit and SAM regular Howard Marguilies mentioned Mike Judge's Idiocracy in a tweet today, and it just made me smile to think about that movie. Will there ever be a director's cut? And why is it that the dystopian movies, like Idiocracy, Brazil, Mad Max and Blade Runner, are the ones most often monkeyed with by powers-that-be?

Speaking of
Brazil, at the risk of dating myself, I remember when I was working at a video store in Westwood, and the movie theatre across the street had a photocopied poster for a new Terry Gilliam movie in its case. In hindsight I realize it must not have been a poster at all, but just a copy of Gilliam's trade ad. Anyway, I was eager to see Brazil, and I sure am glad I had the chance to do so in a theatre, no matter what version it was. It blew me away then, and continues to do so today.

Anyway, back to
Idiocracy, which seems more prophetic every day. In the years since Airplane, Top Secret! and Naked Gun -- the holy trinity -- there have been few sight gags that made me laugh harder than the very simple one below.

Stephen Colbert's And Conan O'Brien's Dance-Off

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Simpsons - NEW Main Title

Gatorade Should Go Back to Being Like Mike

The Gatorade "G" commercials feature, I guess, a bunch of athletes who are about to be murdered by four masked home invaders. Not the message I'd expect from a sports drink, but hey... Anyway, next time one of those ads pops up, play this classic instead. Better to feel good than to have your skin crawl.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Heidi Klum: Too Fat??!

Wolfgang Joop, whom you may remember from a few seconds ago when you read his name for the first time ever, recently said Heidi Klum was "too heavy" for the runway. This woman. The one above. Too heavy. Repeat: the woman in the picture above. Joop made these comments in the latest issue of "Apparently We'll Interview Anybody."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Another Commercial That Confuses Me

I'm willing to overlook the fact that this is another guys-are-idiots commercial. And I do see how effective it is at demonstrating the power of the Kohler toilet's flush. But I gotta admit, this commercial stumps me.

Okay, so the guy sees a hot plumber going into the building next door. He hopes to create a situation where he can get the hot plumber into his apartment. So he runs upstairs to... clog the toilet??

Is there any circumstance where the plumber will be attracted to him while plunging his toilet? No way to get laid off that, I'm sorry.

Maybe he thinks the awkwardness will vanish when the plumber realizes the clog is not, er, organic. But then he will have to explain why he put every object he could find in the toilet. Again, no way to move that conversation into the bedroom.

But let's say this guy is the master operator of all time, and he is able to somehow turn "I take huge shits" into "let's get naked."

He's married! Unless that is his nosy neighbor at the end, he's got a wife. So he's planning to run this game with the everlovin' in the house?

Sorry. I'm baffled.

And before you say I'm overthinking a stupid commercial, let me remind you that it's on about a thousand times a day on the channels I watch. They started this war.